Dog Days of Summer by Joe Hickman

Dog Days begin July 3rd, but only in the Northern Hemisphere. In the Southern Hemisphere, it's the beginning of Penguin Days.

Today's exciting Dog Days trivia question: - What are Dog Days anyway? - Dog Days are the 40 hottest days of summer, an evil time when the sea boils, wine turns sour, dogs grow mad, and man suffers fevers, hysterics, frenzies, and electric bills.

My dog hates Dog Days. His tongue hangs out so far, the cat tries to play with it.

Dog Days begin July 3rd. Dog Days are the hottest 40 days of summer when all creatures become languid. So have a nice day.

Both Dog Days and Air Conditioning Appreciation Days begin the same day. During the hottest 40 days and nights of the year, Northern Hemispherians sacrifice to the god Freon -- and send their tithes and offerings to the electric company.

You know you've become languid when: * You doze off while riding the Shock Wave! * Seeing Britney Spears on TV makes you hungry for cantaloupes. * While driving to work in the morning you suddenly realize you've already perspired through your pajama top. * The only thing you can do fast is get tired.

To survive Dogs Days you have appease Sirius, the dog star, by sacrificing a brown dog. To appease the SPCA, it's best to use your barbecue grill and sacrifice a brown hot dog.

Dog Days are the 40 hottest days of summer when everybody feels hot and sticky and terrible and grumpy. Except air conditioning repairmen -- who can't get there until Friday because they're too busy getting rich.

Dog Days begin July 3rd, except in Quebec -- where they're called Les Jours du Bow Wow.

About the Author

Veteran humorist Joe Hickman is editor at http://halife.com

LIST OF 12 PEOPLE THAT WE ALL HATE by BIVO

In today's society, I think we will all admit that our congeniality towards our fellow human is often not where it should be. Too often there is road rage or shouting and arguing towards our fellow Earth mates. However, with that said, here is a list of the top 12 people we all hate. If you know or see one of these people, slap them very hard immediately. If you are one of these people, stop it all already for crying out loud, you are a butthead.

1) Drive up to front of long line and then cut you off guy - Why is your time more important than mine. Get your butt in line like everyone else. It should be legal for every car that was previously waiting to take a turn and smash this dude!

2) Cell phone in a movie guy - Let's see, they tell you before the movie starts, you have been to the movies before, what part of turn your cell phone off don't you understand. If you are that stupid, please just stay at home and rent a movie where you can be on the cell phone all movie long if you like.

3) Guy with more items at the cash register then the "6 items max" - Moron it is not around 6, it is 6 items MAX. 12 is not close enough. I wish just once the cashier would say "excuse me dufis but what six items here are you getting."

4) Guy who takes your parking lot space after you have been sitting there with the turn signal on for 5 minutes - Dude, I know you saw my signal and you know this is my spot, get out of that car and you will be keyed for sure.

5) Guy who whistles or hums as they walk - While nice that you are in such a gleeful mood, keep your sounds inside of you. Unless you coach sports or are a little girl, there is no reason to whistle or hum!

6) Guy who chews with their mouth open while eating - Shut your trapper when eating. I saw what you were eating before you chucked it in your mouth, I don't have to see you try to digest it. Scratching on a chalk board sounds better than someone who smacks when they eat!

7) Guy who licks their fingers to the bone while eating - I don't want to hear you slurping your B'Bque ribs over your grubby fingers. Last I checked we were a civilized society. Use a napkin like everyone around you, you freak.

8) Fat guy who takes up more then one seat on an airplane but won't buy two - I would prefer not to sit on your lap thank you and if I am going to, I darn well better be paid for a lap dance. Either mix in a salad every one in a while or buy two seats, your call.

9) Guy that shouts obscenities from the upper deck at a sports stadium - Um the players can't hear you. In fact the only people that can hear you sit right by you and we all think you are an a..hole.

10) Grocery cart guy who is too lazy to walk the 20 feet to a cart stall - Instead this lazy butt perches the cart on the nearest curb and drives away quickly so the cart won't hit their car but rather the next one that arrives - lazy, inconsiderate terd.

11) Guy at Fast Food restaurant taking order for their whole office - And of course this is the most complicated order possible. Hold the ketchup, no lettuce, this one toasted. It is fast food for a reason. When you are behind one guy in line you expect it to move quickly. Tell your lazy friends to come join you for lunch or call ahead.

12) Motorcycle guy who drives down the middle of the white line between cars - Wouldn't it be great if someone would thrust with all might their door open with perfect timing as to send the motorcyclist flying. Of course some how in our soft society, the car driver would get sued but boy would that be fun to watch!

If you found this article useful or enjoyable, please check out my site and other links at http://bivoblogger.blogspot.com

About the Author

http://bivoblogger.blogspot.com

Latrine Lackey Does Not Merit Tipping by BIVO

So here I was last night dining on a fine slab a cow and washing it down with a few adult beverages, when it became time to use the facilities. I was treating myself to a more upscale eatery because I had a good month on the job. As I entered the commode, I was greeted from a finely dressed gent who mentioned he was here to assist me and if I needed any assistance to let him know. Now this is not the first time I have been greeted in the lavatory in such a manner but it got me to thinking, what in the heck do I need with a latrine lackey. "No thanks," I said, "I have been doing this a long time now and I am quite good at it." I know in this tight economy we all need a little extra cash but what the heck would ever possess one to apply for this job? And why did anyone ever deem that this was a service that I needed. Are there people dining in fancy restaurants that are having trouble going to the bathroom, washing their hands, and then drying them afterwards? Yes I know that there is a large population of people that don't wash their hoofs after using the facilities, this would merit a whole separate discussion, but this is not my point here! Get out of the bathroom and please let me do my business myself thank you. So upon completion, and after I said I did not need his exemplary services, he preceded to turn on the water for me and then offered me a towel to dry my hands. Of course this unsolicited assistance was deemed to merit a gratuitous tip which I was not disposed to part with - so I didn't and this was followed with a comment about my dearth of tipping. I informed the fine gent that I am a very good tipper for a service that is warranted and frankly asked for. The turning on of the water and giving me a towel, while very kind, in no fashion constituted a cause for a tip other then maybe a verbal one to get a real job! How do you apply for a job like this? What is your title? And honestly, who is the imbecile that determined that this service was needed?

Later in the evening, I needed to use the facilities again but I decided to hold it in until I could find a commode that was bereft of happy helpers. I mirthfully tipped 20% to the waitress who did a fantastic job and used the McDonalds down the street where I peacefully went to the bathroom all by myself.

If you found this article useful or enjoyable, please check out my site and other links at http://bivoblogger.blogspot.com

About the Author

http://bivoblogger.blogspot.com

Need Some New Dancewear? by Cedric Grosjean

Everyone knows that wearing clothes that make you feel good improves your confidence and that is why it makes sense to pick your dancewear carefully. Get it wrong with an over the top outfit covered in bells and sequins and you will feel stupid but get it right and you'll find your dancing is injected with a new sense of vitality.

Obviously there are many different dance styles from ballet to hip hop and ballroom to jazz, and with every different style of dance comes a different style of dancewear which is particular to that genre of dance. For example, hip hop dancers wear hip hop specific dancewear like split sole trainers which give more flexibility to the feet. Bandanas are also widely seen on hip hop dancers, sometimes warn on the wrist or leg other times worn on the head on its own or under a baseball cap. There are loads of websites on the internet where you can purchase new dancewear and some sites even have free delivery so it can really take the hassle out of getting a new dance outfit. The added bonus of online shopping is that you can get all your whole outfit and accessories from the same site instead of having to visit a different shop for every item. Some people do worry about buying clothes over the internet because you can't physically try them on, but most major dancewear sites will have a refund policy and will be more than happy to exchange your item for something else or simply return the money. When looking for new dancewear there are a few important things that should be taken into consideration but the main factor is the fit. It is crucial that your new dancewear is the right size as if it is too big it may well fall off or it could actually cause injury if you trip over it. If your dancewear is too small it could make dancing painful and make dance time seem more like a chore! Also consider the material your new dancewear is made out of. Some manmade fabrics can make the wearer very hot as the material does not let the skin breathe properly. If you are worried about over heating when you are dancing then your best bet is to go for dancewear made out of either cotton or linen as these are both natural fabrics and are light and airy. Many dancers also believe that choosing the right dancewear that looks good will help to keep the audience's attention focused on them when they are dancing. That is why you often see very elaborate dancewear at dance competitions and also why dancers like to pick their best clothes when they are auditioning. Dance choreographers also tend to say that good dancewear and clothes compliment the body's movement and show off the lines of the body better. So what are you waiting for? Get browsing for some new dancewear and add a little extra excitement into your dancing!

For further information regarding our range of {a href=" http://www.dancedirect.com/"}dancewear, please visit our website at http://www.dancedirect.com.

About the Author

Europe's leading online retailer of dancewear - Dance Direct

The Law of the Land: by Bear Brooks

The Law of the Land: Well, It Used to Be

The Average American's Bill of Rights:

1. You have the right to pray to any God if you believe in one. The government will not get in the way unless some anal people get involved. You can say or print any stupid, idiotic thing you want, but beware, someone may beat the crap out of you or sue you for doing so. The press can say or print all the incorrect, left-wing, and liberal untruths they want and to spin the truth to fit their agendas. You and all your drunken friends can gather together peacefully and make complete fools of yourselves. You may pissand moan to the government any time you want something free that other taxpayers paid for; this includes the big-screen television you bought while you were on welfare.

2. You have the right to shoot yourself with the gun you purchased illegally at the monster truck show. You can blame someone else when you do something stupid, like letting your child get shot with the gun you did not protect them from. You can go out and kill animals to make yourself feel manly. You can wear all the camouflage outfits you want. You can have your child wear camouflage underwear if you so desire. You can shoot beer cans off fence posts to make yourself feel like Dirty Harry. You can play "cops and robbers" with your buddies as long as no one gets killed.

3. While not at war, you will not have to let one of our underpaid soldiers into your rat- and roach-infested home, to sleep on your doggie-toilet carpet and child-vomit-covered furniture, not that they would want to anyway.

4. You can rest assured that no one wants to search your porn collection. Your home (which you cannot find your children in) will be left alone, unless you say something stupid and allow it. Your car will not be searched, unless you forget to put out your joint or that white powder still hanging out of your nose. Your body, which has not been bathed in days, will not be searched. No one will take your stuff, unless you break one of the 150,000 laws on the books in America. For the government to violate these rights, all they have to do is have probable cause; which means if you eat the last donut at the donut shop, you are likely to go to jail later that day.

5. You can take this right to court with you as a "get out of jail free card" if you are in trouble with someone else. You do not have to admit that you broke one of the numerous laws that no one knows about anyway. When your partner in crime gets caught, you can use this right to send him up the river without telling on yourself. This right says that a group of morons like yourself will have to fry you in serious crimes, unless you can get them to think you are the tooth fairy, Santa Claus, or the devil; in that case you get to go to happy land and take drugs all day. You can only be tried one time for each stupid thing that you do. You can only be electrocuted for killing your wife one time. No one will kill you, steal your precious lava lamps, tie you up in chains, or hide you in a closet without following the law. No one will take your stuff, unless they say they need it or the local shopping center will pay your officials more tax money; in this case, you will receive pennies on the dollar for your stuff.. This right is shot to hell if you are in the military; in that case you are just screwed.

6. You have the right to a speedy trial. Speedy means two months for a traffic ticket, one year for molesting one of your dogs or pigs, and two years for using your second right to shoot someone. You have the right to be publicly humiliated due to your idiotic actions and to have your bad name hit the media faster than steam starts coming off of cow manure. You will be judged by another group of cow-tipping friends or neighbors in the state and area where your trailer is parked (wheels on or off). You have the right to know why you are behind bars, as if you did not know already that you did the crime; which is possible due to the number of laws we have; no one could know whether they were breaking one anyway. You will get to see people that tell a better lie than you do, as they make you look like a fool, whether you are guilty or not, which you probably are. You can get all your drunk, toothless friends to come to the trial with you and lie about what an upstanding citizen you are. You can use taxpayer money to provide a lawyer for you who does not care whether you fry or not, because he will be twenty cases past yours when you meet your first prison boyfriend.

7. In a crime valued at over $20, you have the right to be judged by the same group of drunk, wife-beating, powder-snorting, upstanding citizens who live near you, as mentioned in your earlier rights. Once this group of anal, politically correct, racially motivated, uneducated people have decided whether you can continue to freely be dumb, no other court can put you through this embarrassment again; unless they want to alter the law or use a loophole to do it again.

8. Since you are broke, this right is pointless but states that you will only have to hock your trailer to get your bail money to get out of jail. They can only squeeze so much blood out of a rock, so they cannot fine you more than the cost of a carton of cigarettes, unless it is a serious crime like putting up yard-sale signs. Your punishment has to be fair according to the way the judge or jury feels that day; if the judge has a case of green-apple splatters, you are going to the chair for stealing that beef jerky and six-pack. No one will make you do any cruel punishment other than going to sit in jail and eat, sleep, and live a better life than the average poor person does in America.

9. You have rights that no one knows yet, which apply to crimes you do not know you committed yet, because your politicians have not changed them sixty-seven times yet, because the U.S. Constitution was written by men who had not lost their minds yet.

10. If a right is not given to you in the Constitution, it does not mean one cannot be made up really fast by the states or other people to screw you over in a hurry. Others have the rights to play with the words and meanings of the Constitution in anyway they see fit. Every right can be slanted, spun, or turned into a racial attack or a civil rights violation in any trial, suit, or news story, as long as someone makes money or gains publicity by doing so. Above and before all else, your right to be an ignorant, foolish, and selfish individual will be upheld if you can say one of your other rights has been violated.

In conclusion, you have to get mad in America to get anything done, because jackasses make the majority of laws and decisions. The average American is too busy leading their lives to bother with such foolishness, but you will have to become one of these jackasses also, or nothing will ever change for the better. People who have nothing but enrichment, notoriety, and selfishness as their agendas are sucking America down a hole. We have to get out there and change the things we disagree with, and it seems the only way to do so is to become what we hate.

Good Luck,

Bear Brooks

Author of "A Jackass at Every Turn"!

About the Author

Bear Brooks is the author of A Jackass at Every Turn! How to Act Like an American When Everyone Around You Will Not! Creator of http://www.bearbrooks.com

Bitch-O-Scope Horoscopes - July 2008 by Bitching Blaze

Cancer - The first 15 days of this month you are going to be walking on air, which isn't normal for a water sign. Are you scared yet? You are not happy unless there is something to bitch about, so on July 26th, the bottom will fall out from under your world. You will momentarily regain your senses on July 30. Happy Birthday!

Leo - You could be feeling rather neglected and abandoned until July 12th, and the worst thing that can be done to the cowardly lion is to ignore him. If you can keep from committing suicide, the rest of the month will be for celebrating. Tell your partner to just forget any help from you until after the eclipses, but then, they probably already know that.

Virgo - The tricks were down last month, and you're starving. At least cash is flowing again, even if you have been stealing it. There is a good chance you will be in a car accident over the July 4th weekend, but there is also a good chance you will be miraculously healed on July 6th. You will get arrested for stealing that money on July 10th, but you will get released on July 29th.

Libra - Just about everything that happens this month is going to irritate the hell out of you. Nothing is going to balance for you, not even your checkbook. A Leo will approach you the weekend of July 11th and tell you everything you've wanted to hear. They will flatter you, and promise commitment, and they will also persuade you to max-out your credit cards. And no matter how hard you try, that Leo won't leave until July 31st.

Scorpio - There's no hope, so just give up. Nobody will give a crap about you this month, no matter how hard you yell and scream. Just remember, "revenge is a dish best served cold." Start constructing that bomb now, and you will be ready in time for the elections.

Sagittarius - By July 2nd, you should notice that a Libra is picking on you, and then she brings her Leo boyfriend into the argument on July 6th. Life could become explosive on July 15th, or you may decide to become a porn star. You will be kidnapped by a Gemini on July 19th, but an Aries will rescue you on July 26th.

Capricorn - You've got your force field up this month, and no matter how many times that Libra and that Leo try to attack you, they won't succeed. A Cancer will touch your heart on July 7th, and an Aries will punch you in the nose on July 10th. That Cancer you thought was so sweet only a couple weeks earlier will show you what crabby really means on July 21st. On July 26th, you will be abducted by aliens and told the secrets of the universe.

Aquarius - A Gemini and a Taurus will be conspiring to murder you over the July 4th weekend. If you live through it, you will fall in love with a Leo on July 14th. You are known for your suddenness, so it won't come to any surprise to people who know you when you marry that Leo on July 22nd. The honeymoon will be over by July 30th, and you will file for divorce on August 1st.

Pisces - You may witness a murder over the July 4th weekend, and then you will get drunk and try to convince yourself it didn't happen. A Cancer will come to visit on July 10th, but watch out, because they will also be stealing your identity. That Cancer will be back with a male accomplice on July 15th, and this time they just steal your car. You will be dealing with some momentary insanity on July 20th, but you should recover by July 22nd. A Libra will become your drinking buddy on July 30th.

Aries - You will meet a virgin and fall in love on July 1st, but as usual, you will neglect to tell your other two girlfriends that you have moved on. Your ex's will confront you on July 6th, and you will all be arraigned on July 10th. You will post bail on July 15th, and your mother will call on July 16th. A Sagittarius and a Cancer will persuade you to go out on July 26th, but if you go home with that Libra you could get an STD. Your Cancer friend will pick a fight with you on July 28th.

Taurus - Your luck runs out on July 2nd, and if you are still behind in the rent, you will be forced to sell some of your (junk) valuable possessions. An Aquarius will teach you some new tricks on July 6th, and a Cancer may even pay you to do them on July 13th. The rest of the month, you will just plod along and do nothing, until a Pisces friend shows up with a bottle of gin on July 30th. You won't remember anything else until August 3rd when you wake-up in jail.

Gemini - You will exit the "Marrakesh Express" on July 1st, and reality will come crashing down. Someone will rack up a big bill on your credit card over July 4th weekend, and you are going to spend the rest of the month sorting out the financial mess. You will witness a crime on July 10th and start running around screaming like Chicken Little. The offender will be arrested on July 14th, and you will be implicated on July 15th. Charges will be dropped on July 26th, and you will set a building on fire on July 29th.

About the Author

Bitching Blaze is a fictional character and resident Astrologer at PsychicBitch.com where you get absolutely free psychic readings and the absolute truth. http://www.psychicbitch.com/

The real Bitching Blaze is Sparrow Moon and you can read her daily and monthly astrology forecasts, and keep up on current astrology trends. http://www.sparrowmoon.com/

(This article can be reprinted freely online, as long as the entire article and th

8 Teens Accused of Beating 16 Year Old Girl and Posting the Video On YouTube have been Permanently Banned from Santa's Nice List by Alex Russell

Stunning development. This just in from the North Pole Gazette.

In a rare and almost unprecedented move - Santa Claus, Mrs. Claus, Rudolph and Arthur Honeytree (the Head Elf), after a brief, spontaneous, top secret meeting at an undisclosed location somewhere at the North Pole - released this statement.

"This kind of behavior is inexcusable and as such, I have no choice but to remove these kids from my Nice List." Santa said. "These kids think that I'm only watching them in the weeks leading up to Christmas. But the truth is I'm watching them all year long. If you screw up in February, April or even June, I'll know about it. You'll be kicked out of all Santa's special programs. You'll be removed from my Letter from Santa program, you will not receive your Nice List Certificate... even Rudolph will dis you. Clearly we have to make an example out of these young teens. My Letter from Santa program is my most popular and these kids are going to miss out."

"The Polk County courts may have decided to treat these teens as adults, but they're still kids as far as the North Pole is concerned." Santa added.

As it turns out five of the eight kids barely made the Nice List last year. And one of the eight was already off the Nice List before this latest fiasco. Santa would not discuss this particular case however sighting privacy and confidentiality as well as liability reasons.

It is quite rare that Santa would issue the dreaded lifetime ban from Santa's Nice List. There have only been a couple dozen cases where such harsh punishment has been doled out by the big guy.

The most famous being Timmy Warchickles who posted Santa's personal cell phone number on his Myspace profile. Santa's North Pole communications center came to a screeching halt as Santa's phone was bombarded with more than 12 thousand people a second.

"That kid is a menace to society." Santa said at the time.

"The Buck Stops Here!" Santa remarked. "I'm the decider! If I decide you're not going to be on the Nice List, then you're not going to be on the Nice List. That's all there is to it! And, I shouldn't even have to say this, but if you're not on the nice list, you're certainly not getting a Letter From Santa."

An Elf who wished to remain anonymous added, "Essentially Santa is the highest governing power at the North Pole. The North Pole is not a democratic union. Santa rules with a white glove. What he says' goes. The United States government has no jurisdiction at the North Pole. I'm not complaining. We wouldn't have it any other way. We love Santa as much as all the kids do."

Rudolph could not be reached for comment, but Mrs. Claus defended the decision saying, "We will not and can not tolerate this kind of behavior."

"It's really sad." Mrs. Claus remarked. "These kids don't realize what the long term consequences of their actions are. Once you're off Santa's Nice List, there are a lot of things you miss out on. These kids will not receive their personalized "Letter From Santa"; they will not get their official "Nice List Certificate"; no autographed picture of Santa, no picture of Rudolph... it's just a shame. We know that the highlight of Christmas for most kids is receiving a letter from Santa and the nice list certificate right before Christmas. They sure do sleep better knowing their on the nice list."

Arthur Honeytree, always the shameless self-promoter added, "These kids are really going to be missing out this year because Santa has designed a whole new letterhead for his personalized letters from Santa. Even the Nice List certificate has been completely redesigned for 2008. These kids are going to be sorry. All the other kids are going to be walking around with their letter from Santa and showing off their nice list certificate and these kids will have nothing, notta, zip. Too BAD!"

Don't forget kids, just because it's May or June, Santa's still watching. And if you hope to be on Santa's Nice List this year and you want Santa to send you a personalized letter, you'd better be good for goodness sake.

Be sure to catch the full length feature story, along with in depth interviews, coming up in "Santa's Workshop Quarterly."

Other features in the nest issue of "Santa's Workshop Quarterly."

- "Dealing with stress. How Santa stays sane!"

- "How a Santa Letter Saved My Christmas"

- "Mrs. Claus Talks About the Pressures of Christmas, Getting It All Done"

- "7 Simple Techniques for Keeping Your Child Believing in Santa!"

- "What Every Parent Should Know About Santa Clause"

- "Letters From Santa Claus, Restore the Magic of Christmas"

About the Author

Alex Russell has performed extensive research in reviewing websites that offer services for Santa Letters. Alex has earned the respect of many Christmas authority websites such as www.PackageFromSanta.com, for his highly regarded articles on such topics as "How to Write a Letter from Santa."