Dog Days of Summer by Joe Hickman

Dog Days begin July 3rd, but only in the Northern Hemisphere. In the Southern Hemisphere, it's the beginning of Penguin Days.

Today's exciting Dog Days trivia question: - What are Dog Days anyway? - Dog Days are the 40 hottest days of summer, an evil time when the sea boils, wine turns sour, dogs grow mad, and man suffers fevers, hysterics, frenzies, and electric bills.

My dog hates Dog Days. His tongue hangs out so far, the cat tries to play with it.

Dog Days begin July 3rd. Dog Days are the hottest 40 days of summer when all creatures become languid. So have a nice day.

Both Dog Days and Air Conditioning Appreciation Days begin the same day. During the hottest 40 days and nights of the year, Northern Hemispherians sacrifice to the god Freon -- and send their tithes and offerings to the electric company.

You know you've become languid when: * You doze off while riding the Shock Wave! * Seeing Britney Spears on TV makes you hungry for cantaloupes. * While driving to work in the morning you suddenly realize you've already perspired through your pajama top. * The only thing you can do fast is get tired.

To survive Dogs Days you have appease Sirius, the dog star, by sacrificing a brown dog. To appease the SPCA, it's best to use your barbecue grill and sacrifice a brown hot dog.

Dog Days are the 40 hottest days of summer when everybody feels hot and sticky and terrible and grumpy. Except air conditioning repairmen -- who can't get there until Friday because they're too busy getting rich.

Dog Days begin July 3rd, except in Quebec -- where they're called Les Jours du Bow Wow.

About the Author

Veteran humorist Joe Hickman is editor at http://halife.com

LIST OF 12 PEOPLE THAT WE ALL HATE by BIVO

In today's society, I think we will all admit that our congeniality towards our fellow human is often not where it should be. Too often there is road rage or shouting and arguing towards our fellow Earth mates. However, with that said, here is a list of the top 12 people we all hate. If you know or see one of these people, slap them very hard immediately. If you are one of these people, stop it all already for crying out loud, you are a butthead.

1) Drive up to front of long line and then cut you off guy - Why is your time more important than mine. Get your butt in line like everyone else. It should be legal for every car that was previously waiting to take a turn and smash this dude!

2) Cell phone in a movie guy - Let's see, they tell you before the movie starts, you have been to the movies before, what part of turn your cell phone off don't you understand. If you are that stupid, please just stay at home and rent a movie where you can be on the cell phone all movie long if you like.

3) Guy with more items at the cash register then the "6 items max" - Moron it is not around 6, it is 6 items MAX. 12 is not close enough. I wish just once the cashier would say "excuse me dufis but what six items here are you getting."

4) Guy who takes your parking lot space after you have been sitting there with the turn signal on for 5 minutes - Dude, I know you saw my signal and you know this is my spot, get out of that car and you will be keyed for sure.

5) Guy who whistles or hums as they walk - While nice that you are in such a gleeful mood, keep your sounds inside of you. Unless you coach sports or are a little girl, there is no reason to whistle or hum!

6) Guy who chews with their mouth open while eating - Shut your trapper when eating. I saw what you were eating before you chucked it in your mouth, I don't have to see you try to digest it. Scratching on a chalk board sounds better than someone who smacks when they eat!

7) Guy who licks their fingers to the bone while eating - I don't want to hear you slurping your B'Bque ribs over your grubby fingers. Last I checked we were a civilized society. Use a napkin like everyone around you, you freak.

8) Fat guy who takes up more then one seat on an airplane but won't buy two - I would prefer not to sit on your lap thank you and if I am going to, I darn well better be paid for a lap dance. Either mix in a salad every one in a while or buy two seats, your call.

9) Guy that shouts obscenities from the upper deck at a sports stadium - Um the players can't hear you. In fact the only people that can hear you sit right by you and we all think you are an a..hole.

10) Grocery cart guy who is too lazy to walk the 20 feet to a cart stall - Instead this lazy butt perches the cart on the nearest curb and drives away quickly so the cart won't hit their car but rather the next one that arrives - lazy, inconsiderate terd.

11) Guy at Fast Food restaurant taking order for their whole office - And of course this is the most complicated order possible. Hold the ketchup, no lettuce, this one toasted. It is fast food for a reason. When you are behind one guy in line you expect it to move quickly. Tell your lazy friends to come join you for lunch or call ahead.

12) Motorcycle guy who drives down the middle of the white line between cars - Wouldn't it be great if someone would thrust with all might their door open with perfect timing as to send the motorcyclist flying. Of course some how in our soft society, the car driver would get sued but boy would that be fun to watch!

If you found this article useful or enjoyable, please check out my site and other links at http://bivoblogger.blogspot.com

About the Author

http://bivoblogger.blogspot.com

Latrine Lackey Does Not Merit Tipping by BIVO

So here I was last night dining on a fine slab a cow and washing it down with a few adult beverages, when it became time to use the facilities. I was treating myself to a more upscale eatery because I had a good month on the job. As I entered the commode, I was greeted from a finely dressed gent who mentioned he was here to assist me and if I needed any assistance to let him know. Now this is not the first time I have been greeted in the lavatory in such a manner but it got me to thinking, what in the heck do I need with a latrine lackey. "No thanks," I said, "I have been doing this a long time now and I am quite good at it." I know in this tight economy we all need a little extra cash but what the heck would ever possess one to apply for this job? And why did anyone ever deem that this was a service that I needed. Are there people dining in fancy restaurants that are having trouble going to the bathroom, washing their hands, and then drying them afterwards? Yes I know that there is a large population of people that don't wash their hoofs after using the facilities, this would merit a whole separate discussion, but this is not my point here! Get out of the bathroom and please let me do my business myself thank you. So upon completion, and after I said I did not need his exemplary services, he preceded to turn on the water for me and then offered me a towel to dry my hands. Of course this unsolicited assistance was deemed to merit a gratuitous tip which I was not disposed to part with - so I didn't and this was followed with a comment about my dearth of tipping. I informed the fine gent that I am a very good tipper for a service that is warranted and frankly asked for. The turning on of the water and giving me a towel, while very kind, in no fashion constituted a cause for a tip other then maybe a verbal one to get a real job! How do you apply for a job like this? What is your title? And honestly, who is the imbecile that determined that this service was needed?

Later in the evening, I needed to use the facilities again but I decided to hold it in until I could find a commode that was bereft of happy helpers. I mirthfully tipped 20% to the waitress who did a fantastic job and used the McDonalds down the street where I peacefully went to the bathroom all by myself.

If you found this article useful or enjoyable, please check out my site and other links at http://bivoblogger.blogspot.com

About the Author

http://bivoblogger.blogspot.com

Need Some New Dancewear? by Cedric Grosjean

Everyone knows that wearing clothes that make you feel good improves your confidence and that is why it makes sense to pick your dancewear carefully. Get it wrong with an over the top outfit covered in bells and sequins and you will feel stupid but get it right and you'll find your dancing is injected with a new sense of vitality.

Obviously there are many different dance styles from ballet to hip hop and ballroom to jazz, and with every different style of dance comes a different style of dancewear which is particular to that genre of dance. For example, hip hop dancers wear hip hop specific dancewear like split sole trainers which give more flexibility to the feet. Bandanas are also widely seen on hip hop dancers, sometimes warn on the wrist or leg other times worn on the head on its own or under a baseball cap. There are loads of websites on the internet where you can purchase new dancewear and some sites even have free delivery so it can really take the hassle out of getting a new dance outfit. The added bonus of online shopping is that you can get all your whole outfit and accessories from the same site instead of having to visit a different shop for every item. Some people do worry about buying clothes over the internet because you can't physically try them on, but most major dancewear sites will have a refund policy and will be more than happy to exchange your item for something else or simply return the money. When looking for new dancewear there are a few important things that should be taken into consideration but the main factor is the fit. It is crucial that your new dancewear is the right size as if it is too big it may well fall off or it could actually cause injury if you trip over it. If your dancewear is too small it could make dancing painful and make dance time seem more like a chore! Also consider the material your new dancewear is made out of. Some manmade fabrics can make the wearer very hot as the material does not let the skin breathe properly. If you are worried about over heating when you are dancing then your best bet is to go for dancewear made out of either cotton or linen as these are both natural fabrics and are light and airy. Many dancers also believe that choosing the right dancewear that looks good will help to keep the audience's attention focused on them when they are dancing. That is why you often see very elaborate dancewear at dance competitions and also why dancers like to pick their best clothes when they are auditioning. Dance choreographers also tend to say that good dancewear and clothes compliment the body's movement and show off the lines of the body better. So what are you waiting for? Get browsing for some new dancewear and add a little extra excitement into your dancing!

For further information regarding our range of {a href=" http://www.dancedirect.com/"}dancewear, please visit our website at http://www.dancedirect.com.

About the Author

Europe's leading online retailer of dancewear - Dance Direct

The Law of the Land: by Bear Brooks

The Law of the Land: Well, It Used to Be

The Average American's Bill of Rights:

1. You have the right to pray to any God if you believe in one. The government will not get in the way unless some anal people get involved. You can say or print any stupid, idiotic thing you want, but beware, someone may beat the crap out of you or sue you for doing so. The press can say or print all the incorrect, left-wing, and liberal untruths they want and to spin the truth to fit their agendas. You and all your drunken friends can gather together peacefully and make complete fools of yourselves. You may pissand moan to the government any time you want something free that other taxpayers paid for; this includes the big-screen television you bought while you were on welfare.

2. You have the right to shoot yourself with the gun you purchased illegally at the monster truck show. You can blame someone else when you do something stupid, like letting your child get shot with the gun you did not protect them from. You can go out and kill animals to make yourself feel manly. You can wear all the camouflage outfits you want. You can have your child wear camouflage underwear if you so desire. You can shoot beer cans off fence posts to make yourself feel like Dirty Harry. You can play "cops and robbers" with your buddies as long as no one gets killed.

3. While not at war, you will not have to let one of our underpaid soldiers into your rat- and roach-infested home, to sleep on your doggie-toilet carpet and child-vomit-covered furniture, not that they would want to anyway.

4. You can rest assured that no one wants to search your porn collection. Your home (which you cannot find your children in) will be left alone, unless you say something stupid and allow it. Your car will not be searched, unless you forget to put out your joint or that white powder still hanging out of your nose. Your body, which has not been bathed in days, will not be searched. No one will take your stuff, unless you break one of the 150,000 laws on the books in America. For the government to violate these rights, all they have to do is have probable cause; which means if you eat the last donut at the donut shop, you are likely to go to jail later that day.

5. You can take this right to court with you as a "get out of jail free card" if you are in trouble with someone else. You do not have to admit that you broke one of the numerous laws that no one knows about anyway. When your partner in crime gets caught, you can use this right to send him up the river without telling on yourself. This right says that a group of morons like yourself will have to fry you in serious crimes, unless you can get them to think you are the tooth fairy, Santa Claus, or the devil; in that case you get to go to happy land and take drugs all day. You can only be tried one time for each stupid thing that you do. You can only be electrocuted for killing your wife one time. No one will kill you, steal your precious lava lamps, tie you up in chains, or hide you in a closet without following the law. No one will take your stuff, unless they say they need it or the local shopping center will pay your officials more tax money; in this case, you will receive pennies on the dollar for your stuff.. This right is shot to hell if you are in the military; in that case you are just screwed.

6. You have the right to a speedy trial. Speedy means two months for a traffic ticket, one year for molesting one of your dogs or pigs, and two years for using your second right to shoot someone. You have the right to be publicly humiliated due to your idiotic actions and to have your bad name hit the media faster than steam starts coming off of cow manure. You will be judged by another group of cow-tipping friends or neighbors in the state and area where your trailer is parked (wheels on or off). You have the right to know why you are behind bars, as if you did not know already that you did the crime; which is possible due to the number of laws we have; no one could know whether they were breaking one anyway. You will get to see people that tell a better lie than you do, as they make you look like a fool, whether you are guilty or not, which you probably are. You can get all your drunk, toothless friends to come to the trial with you and lie about what an upstanding citizen you are. You can use taxpayer money to provide a lawyer for you who does not care whether you fry or not, because he will be twenty cases past yours when you meet your first prison boyfriend.

7. In a crime valued at over $20, you have the right to be judged by the same group of drunk, wife-beating, powder-snorting, upstanding citizens who live near you, as mentioned in your earlier rights. Once this group of anal, politically correct, racially motivated, uneducated people have decided whether you can continue to freely be dumb, no other court can put you through this embarrassment again; unless they want to alter the law or use a loophole to do it again.

8. Since you are broke, this right is pointless but states that you will only have to hock your trailer to get your bail money to get out of jail. They can only squeeze so much blood out of a rock, so they cannot fine you more than the cost of a carton of cigarettes, unless it is a serious crime like putting up yard-sale signs. Your punishment has to be fair according to the way the judge or jury feels that day; if the judge has a case of green-apple splatters, you are going to the chair for stealing that beef jerky and six-pack. No one will make you do any cruel punishment other than going to sit in jail and eat, sleep, and live a better life than the average poor person does in America.

9. You have rights that no one knows yet, which apply to crimes you do not know you committed yet, because your politicians have not changed them sixty-seven times yet, because the U.S. Constitution was written by men who had not lost their minds yet.

10. If a right is not given to you in the Constitution, it does not mean one cannot be made up really fast by the states or other people to screw you over in a hurry. Others have the rights to play with the words and meanings of the Constitution in anyway they see fit. Every right can be slanted, spun, or turned into a racial attack or a civil rights violation in any trial, suit, or news story, as long as someone makes money or gains publicity by doing so. Above and before all else, your right to be an ignorant, foolish, and selfish individual will be upheld if you can say one of your other rights has been violated.

In conclusion, you have to get mad in America to get anything done, because jackasses make the majority of laws and decisions. The average American is too busy leading their lives to bother with such foolishness, but you will have to become one of these jackasses also, or nothing will ever change for the better. People who have nothing but enrichment, notoriety, and selfishness as their agendas are sucking America down a hole. We have to get out there and change the things we disagree with, and it seems the only way to do so is to become what we hate.

Good Luck,

Bear Brooks

Author of "A Jackass at Every Turn"!

About the Author

Bear Brooks is the author of A Jackass at Every Turn! How to Act Like an American When Everyone Around You Will Not! Creator of http://www.bearbrooks.com

Bitch-O-Scope Horoscopes - July 2008 by Bitching Blaze

Cancer - The first 15 days of this month you are going to be walking on air, which isn't normal for a water sign. Are you scared yet? You are not happy unless there is something to bitch about, so on July 26th, the bottom will fall out from under your world. You will momentarily regain your senses on July 30. Happy Birthday!

Leo - You could be feeling rather neglected and abandoned until July 12th, and the worst thing that can be done to the cowardly lion is to ignore him. If you can keep from committing suicide, the rest of the month will be for celebrating. Tell your partner to just forget any help from you until after the eclipses, but then, they probably already know that.

Virgo - The tricks were down last month, and you're starving. At least cash is flowing again, even if you have been stealing it. There is a good chance you will be in a car accident over the July 4th weekend, but there is also a good chance you will be miraculously healed on July 6th. You will get arrested for stealing that money on July 10th, but you will get released on July 29th.

Libra - Just about everything that happens this month is going to irritate the hell out of you. Nothing is going to balance for you, not even your checkbook. A Leo will approach you the weekend of July 11th and tell you everything you've wanted to hear. They will flatter you, and promise commitment, and they will also persuade you to max-out your credit cards. And no matter how hard you try, that Leo won't leave until July 31st.

Scorpio - There's no hope, so just give up. Nobody will give a crap about you this month, no matter how hard you yell and scream. Just remember, "revenge is a dish best served cold." Start constructing that bomb now, and you will be ready in time for the elections.

Sagittarius - By July 2nd, you should notice that a Libra is picking on you, and then she brings her Leo boyfriend into the argument on July 6th. Life could become explosive on July 15th, or you may decide to become a porn star. You will be kidnapped by a Gemini on July 19th, but an Aries will rescue you on July 26th.

Capricorn - You've got your force field up this month, and no matter how many times that Libra and that Leo try to attack you, they won't succeed. A Cancer will touch your heart on July 7th, and an Aries will punch you in the nose on July 10th. That Cancer you thought was so sweet only a couple weeks earlier will show you what crabby really means on July 21st. On July 26th, you will be abducted by aliens and told the secrets of the universe.

Aquarius - A Gemini and a Taurus will be conspiring to murder you over the July 4th weekend. If you live through it, you will fall in love with a Leo on July 14th. You are known for your suddenness, so it won't come to any surprise to people who know you when you marry that Leo on July 22nd. The honeymoon will be over by July 30th, and you will file for divorce on August 1st.

Pisces - You may witness a murder over the July 4th weekend, and then you will get drunk and try to convince yourself it didn't happen. A Cancer will come to visit on July 10th, but watch out, because they will also be stealing your identity. That Cancer will be back with a male accomplice on July 15th, and this time they just steal your car. You will be dealing with some momentary insanity on July 20th, but you should recover by July 22nd. A Libra will become your drinking buddy on July 30th.

Aries - You will meet a virgin and fall in love on July 1st, but as usual, you will neglect to tell your other two girlfriends that you have moved on. Your ex's will confront you on July 6th, and you will all be arraigned on July 10th. You will post bail on July 15th, and your mother will call on July 16th. A Sagittarius and a Cancer will persuade you to go out on July 26th, but if you go home with that Libra you could get an STD. Your Cancer friend will pick a fight with you on July 28th.

Taurus - Your luck runs out on July 2nd, and if you are still behind in the rent, you will be forced to sell some of your (junk) valuable possessions. An Aquarius will teach you some new tricks on July 6th, and a Cancer may even pay you to do them on July 13th. The rest of the month, you will just plod along and do nothing, until a Pisces friend shows up with a bottle of gin on July 30th. You won't remember anything else until August 3rd when you wake-up in jail.

Gemini - You will exit the "Marrakesh Express" on July 1st, and reality will come crashing down. Someone will rack up a big bill on your credit card over July 4th weekend, and you are going to spend the rest of the month sorting out the financial mess. You will witness a crime on July 10th and start running around screaming like Chicken Little. The offender will be arrested on July 14th, and you will be implicated on July 15th. Charges will be dropped on July 26th, and you will set a building on fire on July 29th.

About the Author

Bitching Blaze is a fictional character and resident Astrologer at PsychicBitch.com where you get absolutely free psychic readings and the absolute truth. http://www.psychicbitch.com/

The real Bitching Blaze is Sparrow Moon and you can read her daily and monthly astrology forecasts, and keep up on current astrology trends. http://www.sparrowmoon.com/

(This article can be reprinted freely online, as long as the entire article and th

8 Teens Accused of Beating 16 Year Old Girl and Posting the Video On YouTube have been Permanently Banned from Santa's Nice List by Alex Russell

Stunning development. This just in from the North Pole Gazette.

In a rare and almost unprecedented move - Santa Claus, Mrs. Claus, Rudolph and Arthur Honeytree (the Head Elf), after a brief, spontaneous, top secret meeting at an undisclosed location somewhere at the North Pole - released this statement.

"This kind of behavior is inexcusable and as such, I have no choice but to remove these kids from my Nice List." Santa said. "These kids think that I'm only watching them in the weeks leading up to Christmas. But the truth is I'm watching them all year long. If you screw up in February, April or even June, I'll know about it. You'll be kicked out of all Santa's special programs. You'll be removed from my Letter from Santa program, you will not receive your Nice List Certificate... even Rudolph will dis you. Clearly we have to make an example out of these young teens. My Letter from Santa program is my most popular and these kids are going to miss out."

"The Polk County courts may have decided to treat these teens as adults, but they're still kids as far as the North Pole is concerned." Santa added.

As it turns out five of the eight kids barely made the Nice List last year. And one of the eight was already off the Nice List before this latest fiasco. Santa would not discuss this particular case however sighting privacy and confidentiality as well as liability reasons.

It is quite rare that Santa would issue the dreaded lifetime ban from Santa's Nice List. There have only been a couple dozen cases where such harsh punishment has been doled out by the big guy.

The most famous being Timmy Warchickles who posted Santa's personal cell phone number on his Myspace profile. Santa's North Pole communications center came to a screeching halt as Santa's phone was bombarded with more than 12 thousand people a second.

"That kid is a menace to society." Santa said at the time.

"The Buck Stops Here!" Santa remarked. "I'm the decider! If I decide you're not going to be on the Nice List, then you're not going to be on the Nice List. That's all there is to it! And, I shouldn't even have to say this, but if you're not on the nice list, you're certainly not getting a Letter From Santa."

An Elf who wished to remain anonymous added, "Essentially Santa is the highest governing power at the North Pole. The North Pole is not a democratic union. Santa rules with a white glove. What he says' goes. The United States government has no jurisdiction at the North Pole. I'm not complaining. We wouldn't have it any other way. We love Santa as much as all the kids do."

Rudolph could not be reached for comment, but Mrs. Claus defended the decision saying, "We will not and can not tolerate this kind of behavior."

"It's really sad." Mrs. Claus remarked. "These kids don't realize what the long term consequences of their actions are. Once you're off Santa's Nice List, there are a lot of things you miss out on. These kids will not receive their personalized "Letter From Santa"; they will not get their official "Nice List Certificate"; no autographed picture of Santa, no picture of Rudolph... it's just a shame. We know that the highlight of Christmas for most kids is receiving a letter from Santa and the nice list certificate right before Christmas. They sure do sleep better knowing their on the nice list."

Arthur Honeytree, always the shameless self-promoter added, "These kids are really going to be missing out this year because Santa has designed a whole new letterhead for his personalized letters from Santa. Even the Nice List certificate has been completely redesigned for 2008. These kids are going to be sorry. All the other kids are going to be walking around with their letter from Santa and showing off their nice list certificate and these kids will have nothing, notta, zip. Too BAD!"

Don't forget kids, just because it's May or June, Santa's still watching. And if you hope to be on Santa's Nice List this year and you want Santa to send you a personalized letter, you'd better be good for goodness sake.

Be sure to catch the full length feature story, along with in depth interviews, coming up in "Santa's Workshop Quarterly."

Other features in the nest issue of "Santa's Workshop Quarterly."

- "Dealing with stress. How Santa stays sane!"

- "How a Santa Letter Saved My Christmas"

- "Mrs. Claus Talks About the Pressures of Christmas, Getting It All Done"

- "7 Simple Techniques for Keeping Your Child Believing in Santa!"

- "What Every Parent Should Know About Santa Clause"

- "Letters From Santa Claus, Restore the Magic of Christmas"

About the Author

Alex Russell has performed extensive research in reviewing websites that offer services for Santa Letters. Alex has earned the respect of many Christmas authority websites such as www.PackageFromSanta.com, for his highly regarded articles on such topics as "How to Write a Letter from Santa."

12 Funny Reasons Why School is Good for You by SoulRiser

You know how everyone's always complaining that they hate school, and talking about how much it sucks? Well, they're WRONG! School is good for you, and here's why:

1. School will make you enjoy your job one day, because you'll be able to look back and say "at least I get paid for this crap". You won't be able to say that if you're homeschooled!

2. School will teach you how to present yourself like an intelligent, educated individual when you post things on the internet. Like this fine example, actually posted in the Ramblings section: "LISTEN PPL I GOE 2 SKOOL I GET EDACATUN I LERN THINGZ N THEIR AINT NUTTIN RONG WIT GOEN 2 SKOOL. I GO 2 SKOOL DEN 2 COLLEGE TO GET GR8 JOB MAYBE EVEN BECOME GOOD LAWYER. SO U GUISE NEED 2 QUIT TRYIN 2 GET PPL TO STAY OUT OF SKOOL. SKOOL IS KEWL PPLZ."

3. School will also teach you where the caps lock key is on your keyboard - very important information that you can't get anywhere else.

4. Finishing school is the only way any college or university will ever let you in. The only things they care about are the grades you got for your last year of high school. That's all that matters. What did you say? "So all these projects and tests I did over the past 11 years were worthless?" Don't be silly, you needed to do all that stuff to pass your previous years with high marks to make your parents happy enough to keep on feeding you so that you'll live long enough to finish high school!

5. School will teach you how to contribute to society. We all want to contribute to this wonderful world we live in, right? The best way to do that is to get a job and make money and buy stuff, because it's good for the economy. What's good for the economy is good for everyone! Nevermind that nobody really knows exactly how the economy works. That's completely irrelevant. It's still good. Because I said so.

6. School teaches you how to think. You see, there is actually only one way that humans are supposed to use their brains, and school is the only place you can get taught how to do it. We're all supposed to be the same - all this talk of "individual needs" and such is nonsense. Embrace the hive! Your queen needs you!

7. School will tighten the bond between you and your parents. You'll talk more, and have more exciting discussions about things you would never talk about if you were homeschooled. Things like why you aren't studying right now (even though you're still reading this), or why your teacher is complaining about you for the 10th time. It's just such a unique experience that can't be had anywhere else.

8. School gives you something useful to do with your time. Because, as we all know, the only things teenagers ever do in their spare time is eat, sleep, get high, and screw each other. So, the more homework and tests you have, the better for everyone!

9. School will teach you what true friendship is all about. True friendship is about telling the teacher that your friend told you he was really depressed, so that the teacher can call his parents, and a psychologist will put him on drugs that will turn him into a mindless zombie incapable of feeling depressed (or just about anything else, for that matter). What a true friend you are! Of course, the fact that he'll never talk to you again just shows what an ungrateful brat he is. He'll thank you when he's older.

10. School will teach you how to deal with obnoxious people - the best way is to be as obnoxious as possible, and if you can't do that, learn the art of invisibility. You can't say you never learned anything in school... come on! Invisibility! That's awesome! Unfortunately, the students who don't learn the art of either obnoxiousness or invisibility tend to arrive at school with guns and attempt to kill everyone. Damn side effects.

11. School will make sure you turn into a decent, civilized human being. This is done by punishing you whenever you do evil things like run in the hallways or give a teacher your honest opinion. No civilized human being EVER gives anyone their honest opinions on anything, so it's for the best that you get rid of yours as soon as possible. You wouldn't want people looking at you funny every time you speak, would you?

12. Without school, we would have no technology. Edison would never have invented electricity, the Egyptians wouldn't have known how to build the pyramids, and the cavemen would never have discovered fire!

If none of these reasons have convinced you that school is good for you, you're going to end up flipping burgers for the rest of your life. Tired of hearing that one yet? Fine, you can change it to a number of things. You could end up cleaning toilets, or washing floors, or shining people's shoes, or robbing people, or selling drugs, or you could even end up like Albert Einstein or one of these people. Oh, wait, bad examples. Forget I said that!

About the Author

SoulRiser is the webmistress of School Survival, a support site for people who hate being forced to attend school. More funny school-related jokes can be found here: School Jokes.

Asia is Taking Over the World by Greg Vandagriff

So the latest results are in and it's official: Asia is basically taking over the world. This article is an, ahem, professional examination of why this is the case and what it could mean for you and life as you know it. So without further ado, let's get to the cold, hard facts.

CHINA IS REALLY BIG
Americans citizens are, on average, larger than Chinese citizens. That being said, many cartographers assert that China is, on average, larger than America. Not only that, but the Chinese have displayed a stunning ability to make really big things, like the great wall of China and Panda Express. The rest of the world takes comfort in knowing that China has also demonstrated the ability to make really big mistakes, like embracing communism and poisoning their customers with MSG.

NORTH KOREA IS REALLY CRAZY
When you have a capital named "Pyongyang", you just know that the country as a whole is going to be a little whacked up, but in a typical display of Asian overachievement, North Korea has gone above and beyond the call of crazy. Did you know that North and South Korea used to be the same country? They split up because North Korea was deemed to be too crazy for the rest of the country. Perhaps the most glaring piece of evidence of this is the fact that Kim Jong Il is reported to have fit his glasses with lens stolen from the Hubble Space Telescope.

ASIANS ARE REALLY SMART
Recent studies have concluded that while American students are still ahead in key subjects, such as Hannah Montana lyrics, they are quickly losing ground to their Asian counterparts. In fact, credible sources have reported that 64% of Asian pre-schoolers are capable of passing the California Bar exam on their first try. But hey, you'd probably be a genius too if you had to memorize all those zany Japanese symbols!

I feel that the only conclusion we can draw from this evidence is that Kim Jong-Il needs to consider getting contacts.

About the Author

Greg Vandagriff is the owner of Vandanza, a web consulting firm specializing in content development.

10 attention hoarding shirts by Ceirwen Bennett

Guess what? One of the most popular gifts people give are shirts. They match every possible occasion and some are very budget friendly. The only problem in giving out shirts is sometimes, you do not know what shirt to buy because the person might already have what you have in mind.

There are only way a few ways to approach this. Try using the 2 step plan. First, investigate if that person has it already. Ask the person's siblings or parents or whoever the closes one is. If you are the closest to the person and you know the shirts, you won't have any problem with this. The second step is by buying a unique shirt that you know he won't have one yet or you can even make a customized shirt to make it more unique.

Here are ten of what I call attention grabbing and cool t-shirts!

http://img120.imageshack.us/img120/3113/shirt1weinerfw5.jpg 1. The Weiner Shirt- If you are feeling naughty, this might be the right shirt to give! What better way to start your day than someone asking you about what they may see inside the pen?

http://img151.imageshack.us/img151/3892/shirt2washroomth5.jpg 2. Washroom Secrets Shirt- tired of the conventional washroom signs? Girls won't like signs like these but guys will flock in droves just to really see what's in a place with a sign like that. Of course, since this is a shirt, it's just giving the girls a hint of your playful side.

http://img120.imageshack.us/img120/127/shirt3bananahn1.jpg 3. Banana shirt- Would you put a banana in your pocket? I know I wouldn't. Girls might consider a banana in the pocket as a compliment but guys wearing shirts like this will look so gay that, some bananas will just rot away instantly because as we all know, bananas can't be confined in an area with limited air and space. They must be freed and liberated!

http://img151.imageshack.us/img151/3330/shirt4dadvc4.jpg 4. Dad#2 Shirt- Father's day just concluded and this might not be the best gift for your biological dad. In this world, nobody gives a fudging care about number 2. You would know who won the NBA finals back in year 2000 but you wouldn't remember the second placer.

http://img120.imageshack.us/img120/3554/shirt5drunkvo9.jpg 5. Drunken Shirt- Cops, give way! Those breathalyzers just suck! No one could beat them anyway. Eating mints won't help. Neither putting a coin under your tongue. I've tried them all. Just ask for a ticket.

http://img139.imageshack.us/img139/2756/shirt6epicwi6.jpg 6. Epic/ Legendary Shirt- Now, this is what I am talking about. I wonder how many girls would be fooled by this shirt only to find out that the actual size may vary. Can't you see it? It has a fine print there.

http://img151.imageshack.us/img151/1482/shirt7worldas6.jpg 7. Globe Pointing Shirt- Remember when you were a kid and you would spin the globe pointing randomly in a place and you will say, "this is where I want to live."? Well, I always end up in the Atlantic Ocean.

http://img139.imageshack.us/img139/6493/shirt8grandmans0.jpg 8. Grandma's Death Shirt- excuses are also energy drainers. You have to create a believable yet strong reason to get the sympathy of the other. Some do not care at all and this shirt explains it all.

http://img151.imageshack.us/img151/504/shirt9stupidsw8.jpg 9. Stupid Shirt- Please, do not wear this with your partner unless you mean it. It is just the same thing as saying I love you. Do not say it unless you really mean it.

http://img139.imageshack.us/img139/6702/shirt10brainsza8.jpg 10. Brains Shirt- Some shirt are just better than the others. Some are blessed with big brains more than the other. Human beings can't be contented easily. Now, after being blessed in a way or another, they still want other blessings to come. One big blessing is enough. Two is too many. And by the way, this is the most "attention-grabbing shirt of them all"!

A unique gift will make sure that people remember what you gave them. In case they still forget what you gave them, I suggest you hit them in the head and the bump will make sure that they will remember your gift and they might mark it as the most memorable one!

About the Author

Ceinwen Bennett was born in Los Angeles on September 21, 1980. She is a college dropout who decided to pursue her career in acting and theater. She initially entered an economics course in college but realized that her heart was not into it and immediately started auditioning for parts in plays, musicals, commercials and movies.

Comedy Talent Agency A Description in Brief by Rodger Jackman

Canadians love comedies, there are different talent agencies in the country that searches out the talented guys who can make people laugh with witty activities. Laughing is always a sign of healthiness and it a healthy body. It is prudent to note that popularity of Canadian comedy is not only within the nation, it is popular in different corners of the globe. Over the years Canada has produced famous comedians. The largest comedy festival of the world, Just for Laughs takes place at Canada and this proves that the Canada is the ideal place of the comedy talent agencies.
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Role of the comedy talent agency</span>
Before discussing further, it is best to get an overview of the different comedy talent agencies. Basically it is not possible for a novice comedian to get a platform to perform without help of the comedy talent agencies. There are reputed comedy talent agencies that register the reputed comedians and nurture their career. In Canada, there are agencies that hunt for the talents from different corners of the country and facilitate comedy show to focus up their talents. Comedy talent agencies are popular and these agencies have proved the concept to be true that good humor and sharp wit can give mental satisfaction and pleasure to thousands of people.
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Highlighting comedic talents</span>
There are talent agencies that have provided fresh talent over thirty years and till date they are aiming to offer the best of the breed. To get the widest exposure, many of the rising comedians are getting involved with the comedy talent agencies of Canada. No matter what the place of performance is, the leading comedy talent agencies have experience of filling up different shows to highlight the standup comedy talent. Many of the nation's leading comedians are still remaining associated with some or the other comedy talent agency of Canada.
<span style="font-weight: bold;">For corporate events</span>
In different corporate events, nowadays comedy is a common thing and at present the popular comedy agencies provides more than 2 million dollars in a financial  year in the hands of comedians. The popular places where the comedians have high demand are as Festivals, Corporate Functions, Bars, Television Shows, Private Parties and Films. The different comedy Canada talent agencies are successfully providing the professional comedians as per requirements.
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Searching a comedian</span>
In this age of online communication, we can reach a popular comedian through e-mail. It is really heartening to note that many of the Canadian comedy agencies have web portals and toll free customer care numbers. By calling the customer care executives it is possible to get a detailed overview of the different rates and the time of performance of the comedians. Online questionnaire are also provided and also any queries can be made from the websites. Again, as per the roster, any comedy lover can know about the show details. As the prominent comedy talent agencies maintain websites, all information and excellent performance of different comedians are regularly highlighted through the sites.

About the Author

Rodger Jackman is a Toronto Comedian who enthralls everyone with his comedy and runs one of Canada's largest comedy talent agency.

Catch A Leprechaun by Michael McGrath

Learn how to catch a leprechaun!
So you want to catch a leprechaun?
Coming from the Emerlad Isle I will tell you a wee bit about the little men and the fastest way to catch a leprechaun. This information may help you when it is time for you to catch a leprechaun and if the little man has a big enough pot you can send me some of his gold.
Well when you want the way to catch a leprechaun at first you must know that you need to learn a bit more about him.
In Irish tradition there is no talk of female leprechauns however they must exist or how could the little leprechauns be born?
These little people have a very special job and now it is time to catch a leprechaun you should learn what this job entails. A leprehaun's first job is as a shoe maker. It is said that a leprechaun can make the finest shoes in all the lands.
Leprechauns speak Gaelic to each other but understand English, especially those that left their homeland to go to America during Ireland's Great Famine.
A leprechaun will never be seen unless he is wearing fine clothes, which are usually green with gold buckles on his shoes,. A little person has a long beard. Although it's popular opinion, all leprechauns do not have ginger hair (though most do). They have either green or blue eyes just like the larger inhabitants of Ireland.
Leprechauns are very mischievous and they like nothing better than creating caos for fun.
Leprechauns love a wee drink of poitín (poteen in English)! Poitín is brewed from potatoes (an Irish favourite) or barley and it ranges from 90 - 100% proof! So be sure you don't take the offer of a drink from a leprechaun if you do catch a leprechaunyou are sure to awaken with a headache and no crock of gold!
As leprecahuns really like musical sounds and songs and partying the first thing to do is to lilt a tuneful tune such as The Hills of Connemara which is a song about poteen. This will get his attention.
A leprechaun's most cherished possesion is his crock of gold. A leprechaun's crock of gold is usually hidden beneath rocks and it can be found at the end of a rainbow. A leprechaun is never far away from his crock of gold! So when you want to catch a leprechaun the end of a rainbow is the first place to look.
Now you are ready to catch a leprechaun! Once he ventures forth from his fairy ring you need to catch his gaze. If you catch the gaze of a leprechaun he can't move or escape. But do not look away as he will run off being blessed with the speed of a hare.
Once you have the little man hold him tight and demand that he inform you were he has hidden his gold.
Now you know how to catch a leprechaun all you have to do is venture into the country side and find one.
If you don't catch a leprechaun then Catch a Leprechaun today!

About the Author

Michael is a university graduate with over 23 years expereience in personal development and hypnosis.

Man tries to cash 360 billion dollar check by Paul

According to Dallasnews, a man was arrested for going into a Chase bank and trying to cash a 360 billion dollar check that was given to him by his girlfriend’s mother. Who keeps 360 billion in there checking account to begin with? He had to have thought this was just going to be a good laugh, instead he was arrested for forgery. Charles Ray Fuller arrived at the bank around 4 p.m and asked to cash the check. The bank teller called the person that the check belonged to and was told they did not write it. The police was notified and he was taken away to jail. He was also charged with carrying a weapon and possession of marijuana.

If your going to try and cash a fake check at least make it seem like you have that amount of money. 360 billion dollars in more then enough to have anyone laughing at you in your face. This guy must of been really high to have thought up a scheme like this. What should i write in for the amount he wondered. Oh i know ill make it out to 360 billion dollars, they’ll believe that!

About the Author

www.mentalcash.com

Gambling Online by Ashish Arora

“Gambling is actually the activity involving keeping wealth at risk with a strong desire of winning some extra money than the one kept at risk.” From last many decades gambling is one of the most accepted activities. many people have this activity as their main source of entertainment but as the time passed gambling is now seen in double roles as now this has entered the world of web but still the ancient gambling in casino on tables is also attracting people simultaneously but this new invention in the world of gambling has provided gamblers with options between both roles and now they can switch to any kind where ever they find more pleasure.

Lots of spectacular changes have occurred in the world of online gambling from the time of its beginning as compared to on land casinos, which are still running in the same manner with least changes .Again the modified version of gambling attracts more and more gamblers towards it so, in present era many gamblers are switching towards digital world of gambling as this one provides many advantages over the other one.

If both styles of gambling are compared then one will surely give more marks to online one as this one has more advantages over the previous one. As, the online gambling offers high level of comfort. Here, gamblers can gamble in full privacy in any dress while sitting comfortably at their home without the hectic long drives for reaching such places of gambling and last but not the least, the biggest advantage of online gambling is that here one can gamble whenever he wishes to, as these one provide their service 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and through out the year. It only depends on the mood of gambler, he can start gambling at any time or any place. Of course this only makes online gambling the favorite one.

After the selection of way of gambling there comes the other question for the type of game to be played and this is the obvious fact that every one wishes to gamble on the best casino games but the best casino varies from person to person as it totally depends on the personal choice of the gambler, in which particular game he finds the best entertainment or he is most comfortable at or which is easy to play or where the wining amount is paid on time and are fair in all terms and conditions so keeping in mind all above factors gambler decides the best casino game and enter into the world of gambling with the best casino.

About the Author

If you're wondering what the best online casino is or where you should play you should consult our handy casino reviews for the latest advice.

5 Strange Lucky Charms People Actually Use by Andy Biggins

As I haven't been feeling lucky lately, and my usual "Pave my own Destiny" line was on a leave of absence, I checked up some of the "luck rituals" and "lucky charms" that could perhaps change my luck a bit for the day.

Turns out there are so many lucky charms out there on the net, with the simplest of purposes (to bring you luck), to the looniest. Some of them we already know; while some are just out of this world.

Here are a few:

Indescribable Key Chain The picture says its all. If you're feeling unlucky in the copulation department, then this trinket is for you. The site where I saw this says it was probably from the 70s because of the physical features of both the man & women, reminiscent of the trends during that year.

Money Tree With the price of oil going haywire these days, perhaps I shall purchase my own money tree although I think gamblers need these more than me (or maybe my mom who is a bingo enthusiast). Whatever your reason maybe, the money tree will bring you luck in the financial department. Popular with the gambling folks

Swastik Pyramid Yantra As it says on the site, it should not be confused with the Nazi Swastika, but it gets points for interesting for me. The Vedic Swastik is the symbol of Ganpathi, the lord of good fortune. Again another "general" use lucky charm that you might like to purchase. They don't come cheap these lucky charms!

Omamori Charm from Japan Suspiciously looks like a tea bag to me! It's a charm for protection from various elements (ghosts and other vicious back stabbers beware). It also helps a bit in gambling (what is with these general purpose lucky charms!?). Looks nice with its traditional print, and an added bonus! If you keep it in your car and backpack, you'll have a more auspicious or luckier chance with the women. Doesn't hurt to try! If you're a fan of Japanese Culture, this is for you.

Raccoon Penis Bones From the name itself, you'd know what this is lucky charm is for. Jerry Hall once said that "growing up in Texas, boys gave raccoon penis bones to girls they liked as a form of love token or simple love spell". In 2004, it became popular among women who were sold to this love amulet to get their luck with men started. In fact, a group of women capitalized on this and started selling raccoon penis bones in the form of earrings (hmm that sounds... not so sexy.) Also in 2004, Third Eye Blind Frontman caught Vanessa Carlton's eye when he gave her a dried raccoon's penis necklace and his book "Sarah". Literally worked like a charm!

Lucky Charm from WOW I just had to feature this! These are just some of what I've been reading over at the forums:

"Can also be used for the superstitious. It could help improve the drop rate of your desired item! Make sure you collect 7 if you're even more superstitious."

"Rogue with these charms seemed to attract paladin drops. Amazing."

"Be sure not to stop farming them when you get 13." Spooky.

I've always believed in making my own luck, paving my own road, but sometimes I just like to hold on to something tangible - and I guess these lucky charms - although no, I won't really be using that raccoon penis bone - will work just fine. Whether you're superstitious or not, a bit of luck, salt over your shoulder and a short prayer will probably do your day a bit of good.

About the Author

Andy Biggins knows that life isn't a box of chocolates but he loves it as sweetly as if it were! Travelling and Gadgets rule his world, and if you want to know more about his thoughts on just about those 2 topics, swing by his site The Big Life

How To Make People Laugh by Nemanja

If you haven’t thought you're amusing enough to make your friends laugh, then this is the right tutorial for you and your friends,as it teaches you various ways that will make you improve those skills. Illustrating why is it that we find things funny (from a smart scientists point of view), is one of the first things to achieve. Everytime when we discover something new, our mind creates a new route, between one neuron and the other.

This path is what we call the synapse and it works, for example, like this: Suppose we think about food, and remember that the bananas are food, the brain will estabilish a synapse (that gets harder), connecting the neurons that save all the data we have on food, and the ones with the given fruit. So, every time you think of food, you will have apples popping out in your mind as well. You're probably thinking, what does that have to do with me getting funnier? But, it's pretty much all about it, it's actually the way humor works.

It all starts with someone telling you a short, common story. Stand-up comedians call this a setup. You're now expected to have a certain, pre-defined, opinion on the story you recently heard. And then, your brain makes paths from the given setup to a punch-line that you see as the most logical one. But that person will not tell the same punch-line, but something completely different, and then you will laugh. If you have not understood this, don’t worry, just read example below.

The Setup: What is the most satisfying thing next to being shot at and missed? The Punch-line: An income tax refund.

How did you feel after hearing the setup? I am positive you thought the car was being driven by one of the three. It's normal to think that way, as that is just the way our brain was made to work. And as I already said, the punch-line you read was indeed very different. Be sure to remember this, as this is the main principle of humor.

A good setup is of great importance. The best comedians will always tell you the setup in a way that will leave you with many possible punch-lines to think of. The more you think your punch-line is the most fitting one, the more will the actually punch-line make you laugh. In case you have already heard the joke, it will probably not be as funny, simply because your brain knows the punch-line, therefore it won't create any new routes.

This should be handy if you want to think of new funny jokes. When a man tells something that everyone thinks about in the same way, but you find out a different way to understand it. Now, if you tell this to others, it should be funny.

About the Author

Our site is excellent resource for short funny jokes as well as funny baby pictures.

An Independence Day Tradition by Dan Bimrose

Everybody has heard the phrase "As American as baseball, hot dogs and apple pie." These three things must typify all that is good about America.

I am certain that many Americans will be watching baseball this Fourth of July. I am also certain that many American's will eat some apple pie. But as far as hot dogs go some Americans will be eating more than the rest.

Legend has it that in 1916 four immigrants in an effort to decide who was the most patriotic decided to stage a hot dog competition. James Mullen won that competition which was held at Nathan's Famous hot dog stand at Coney Island. He consumed a rather weak 13 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Bigger and better things were to come.

Today Nathan's International July 4th Hot Dog Eating Contest is held at Nathan's original restaurant in Coney Island.

For those of us who are not yet familiar with this contest this is serious business. It will draw tens of thousands of people and hundreds of thousands of people will watch it on ESPN. The mayor of New York is the one who performs the weigh in. These people are not messing around.

The event believe it or not is sanctioned by IFOCE, which stands for the International Federation of Competitive Eating. Can you imagine? Last years winner received the Mustard belt, 10,000 dollars, and a couple cases of hot dogs.

It is an international contest and unfortunately the Japanese have had good luck in recent years. The belt lies in the country of the winner so most of the last decade the belt has resided at the Imperial Palace in Japan. However, an American returned glory to the United States last year by eating a record 66 hot dogs.

By the way this competition underscores another American tradition. That being the ability to extract profit or make money from virtually anything.

About the Author

Dan Bimrose is the creator of coffeeandprozac.com a website devoted to helping people help themselves. His "Attack Your Life" series aims to give people simple, easy to understand methods to profoundly change their lives. Help battling depression, anxiety and stress.

Man caught with marijuna around his wiener! by Paul

When we think of drug dealers hiding their stash we think of under the seat of a car or in the trunk but when has it gone to far? According to Metronews, a man by the name of Christopher Williams did not show up for his court date and a warrant was put out for his arrest. They finally located him and arrested him on the spot. They had no idea he had any drugs on him but he was already facing many other charges. It wasn't until much later when guards stripped searched him and found nine grams of marijuana around his peter. This was so embarrassing for him that he explained it was a big misunderstanding. Instead of facing a misdemeanor of marijuana possession he was charged with bringing marijuana into the prison. He was sentenced in Dartmouth Provincial Court for thirty days in prison. Everyone hears about criminals putting their drugs in their butt but I guess the new trend is around your wang. People will do anything to sell drugs and make some money, whether its in the butt or around the wang. People will always look down at drug dealers for their choice of profession but when something like this comes along you just have to laugh at them. This guy must have thought he was going to get away with bringing drugs in the prison until they made him strip down to nothing. In his mind he was going to make even more money when he got locked up. Little did he know he would be faced with another charged of having marijuana around his wiener.

About the Author

www.mentalcash.com

My Dedicated Server Provider Makes My Life Hard by Ricardo d Argence

Dedicated servers are really all about support nowadays. I was glad when my dedicated server provider wrote to me the other day, so I could explain to him what my problems where.

Subject: Message from your dedicated server provider. ID# 1066019. From: Michael Leven.

Hello. I'm just writing today to make sure everything is going well for you at Liquidweb. Please let me know how things are going for you here and if there's anything I can do for you. Thank you in advance for your time.

Regards, Michael. Technical Sales Engineer.

Subject: Re: Message from your dedicated server provider. ID# 1066019. From: Ricardo d Argence.

Hello Michael, thanks for contacting me. Unfortunately, I have a bunch of problems with liquidweb.com that are starting to get their toll on me. Let me explain some of my issues.

Just the other day one of my servers needed a ram upgrade. I submited a ticket and the ram was installed under 1 hour. 1 hour! I had to stare at the computer screen for the rest of the day doing nothing! Once, one of my technicians erased a client's site by mistake, and support had it restored in 20 minutes! The client didn't even noticed! Where's the rush?

I am becoming boring! All my friends talk about their daily problems at their jobs with clients and providers. When they ask me how my work goes, all I can say is a timid "err, fine. Nothing has happened since I switched to liquidweb". I think I am starting to annoy them. You have to give me some problems to talk about!

My girlfriend is surprised I can spend so much time with her and loves the attention. Now I can't hide saying "I have a server that crashed and have to work on it." She doesn't believe me anymore (it was a mistake to show her the Heroic support guarantee). I am running out of movies to see and places to tak her to eat. How much is she paying you?

I am suffering from a lack of adrenaline rush, and I've had to take up boxing, rock climbing and car racing just to avoid going into shock! My stress level is so low I am slowly turning into a tibetan monk! I hope you can do anything about my situation before it becomes desperate. Now, if you will excuse me I have a plane to catch. I am going skydiving to see if I can get some exciment back into my life.

Regards, Ricardo.

About the Author

We at The Bored IT are suffering from lack of excitement because of our Dedicated Server Provider. Do you want to know why? Visit our site.
Alojate.com is the number one web hosting company in Mexico.

Life's Problem Solvers: Duct Tape and WD40 by Chellie Campbell

"All of life's problems can be solved with two things--duct tape and WD40. If it moves and it shouldn't, you need duct tape. And if it doesn't move and it should, you need WD40."--Unknown

This quote makes me laugh every time I think of it. It's a great image that really can be applied to life: you need duct tape to keep you on purpose in your life; to stick to your guns, stick to your ideals, stick to your goals. You need WD40 to get you up and moving; to get out of bed in the morning, to get you to the gym, get you "out of the box." Distinguishing when you need to use duct tape and when you need to use WD40 is vitally important. Many businesses have failed because they didn't see a new product or technology on the rise and stuck to the old way of doing things playing it safe. Just like food kept in the refrigerator long past it's expiration date, sometimes people stay in jobs, neighborhoods, or relationships beyond their fruitfulness. When the ship is sinking, it's appropriate to "jump ship!" Then again, it's very important to use that duct tape and stay the course--you don't want to give up on your dream just before it's fulfilled. Maybe the next ship you send out is the one that will bring home the treasure, so heed the cry: "Don't give up the ship!" The creator of the copier machine took his new invention to Kodak first. The copier is a kind of camera, so it seemed a natural connection. However, the Kodak executives rejected it--after all, they had better quality photographic equipment already. They just didn't see the business application of the invention. So the inventor went to Xerox and that's why we Xerox documents rather than Kodak them. The Kodak executives had too much duct tape holding them to their known business model--they needed a squirt or two of WD40 to rouse them to act on a new idea. The inventor had plenty of WD40, which helped him create a new business machine, and enough duct tape to refuse to give up in the face of rejection. So how do you know "when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em"? You use the duct tape and stick to your goals as long as you passionately believe in them and are committed to the process of making them happen. When you enjoy the pursuit of the dream, whether or not it is realized. When your intuition tells you to keep going. And most of all, when you know that you will succeed because you're willing to do whatever it takes to make it happen. Behind every "overnight sensation" there were years of study, failed attempts, more learning, small successes, and dogged persistence. Lots of duct tape. This is the path of achievement, and every successful person walks it. Succeed or fail, your passion and commitment to your purpose will be the WD40 that moves and inspires you to get up each day, excited about the new possibilities today will bring. If you enjoy your dream and each daily activity, you'll be happy, and that will mean you are a success every day of your life.

©Copyright Chellie Campbell. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

About the Author

Chellie Campbell is the creator of the popular Financial Stress Reduction® Workshops, and the author of The Wealthy Spirit and Zero to Zillionaire, both published by Sourcebooks, Inc. She is one of Marci Shimoff's "Happy 100" in her current NYT bestseller Happy for No Reason and contributed stories to Jack Canfield's recent books You've Got to Read This Book! and Life Lessons from Chicken Soup for the Soul. She is prominently quoted as a

Americans shocked by the news that the U.S. Soccer team did not win Euro 08 by ...

Recent studies report that the majority of Americans are "quite surprised" that the United States Soccer team failed to come out on top in the European competition, which recently took place in the "countries" of Austria and Switzerland. Upon learning about the team's failure to win this European competition, many Americans were reported as saying that they just assumed America won every sports event and that this failure to win Euro 08 was "very humbling."

There were a few patriots, however, who were not ready to be brought down a peg by this recent United States failure. Instead, those resilient insisted that the U.S. soccer team did not in fact count as true Americans as their sport was, quote, "for sissies." Garth Andrews, a long-time member of the NRA and an avid "real" football fan, expressed his frustration through a drunken rant, saying, "this is why no one cares about soccer. If they can't even beat some country which I haven't even heard of but sounds completely delicious named Turkey, then there must be something wrong with the program."

Others were not necessarily "mad" at the United States soccer team, rather "very disappointed." Harold West, who reportedly became a fan of soccer when he bought a jersey of that guy married to that girl from that band, said that as a soccer fan he was going to stick to watching the MLS (apparently a "professional" soccer league in the United States) because at least by the end of the game "you know the United States is going to come out on top."

When told that Germany was one of the teams that made it to the final of Euro 08, many puzzled Americans responded with saying "didn't we destroy that country after WWII?"

About the Author

Guava News Network

http://guavanewsnetwork.blogspot.com/

Do Pink Nurses Need Insurance? by Sarah Maple

According to Wikipedia, "Any risk that can be quantified can potentially be insured." This is a relatively easy concept to understand. We take out policies to cover potential risk to pets and cars, and know why it makes sense to have home insurance. However, sometimes the concept of quantifying 'risk' becomes rather a grey area.

It's pretty much understood that as patients we're covered against negligence should we receive treatment from doctors and nurses in hospital. Any 'normal' person attempting to perform First Aid should be aware that if they administer the 'wrong' treatment, they could potentially face a lawsuit, even if they were attempting to save someone's life. However, this weekend I faced the most surreal situation, when someone threatened to sue me because I wasn't a nurse...

Most people know that it is a criminal offence to impersonate a police officer. There are even more obvious dangers posed by those who impersonate members of the medical profession. However, when it comes to theatre, there is room for a little artistic license.

It seemed obvious that on a bright sunny day, five women wondering round pavement cafes, wearing candy-floss pink nurses uniforms and waving (pink) feather dusters, wouldn't possibly be seen as 'real' medics. If there was any doubt about our status, the fact that we administered a range of 'treatments' from dire 'bloke jokes' to candy love heart 'medicine', should have made the performance aspect clear. We were acting.

Therefore, I was left speechless after a vitriolic verbal attack for failing to be a 'real' nurse. Someone overdid it; drank too much in the sunshine, didn't want to leave her café seat, nor would she pay for her drinks. Eventually, the police were called to remove the gin sozzled woman, we saw them departing as we came to the end of a long day performing. We didn't expect what came next.

"You should be ashamed of yourselves", said a rather threatening bloke sporting a mono-brow.

We were confused to say the least.

"You could have stopped all this, it's ruined my day. If you'd done your job, this never would have happened"

We tried to explain the obvious - that we were not really nurses.

"Don't give me that,' he replied, 'I've got good grounds to sue you."

We put it down to too much beer in the sun and hoped he'd go away, leave us to enjoy a well-earned glass of wine. But it didn't stop there. He enlisted the help of a waitress, and told her that we hadn't acted professionally. For some reason, she believed him, decided that we had some connection to the drunken lady and were asked to leave, amidst further threats of suing us for negligence...

Sometime later, as we sat down to free cocktails with an unmitigated apology from the bar manager, our talk turned to concerns about public liability insurance. Clearly, there were many gaps in our knowledge of quantifying 'risk' - not to others, but to ourselves.

About the Author

Get insurance for many things, including car insurance, home insurance and travel insurance, at http://www.confused.com

A funny look at some outrageous bets that have been placed down the years from ordinary people trying to make a quick buck or two! by Paul Steven

Betting is a great form of entertainment and its popularity has spiraled since its birth on the internet. People are now having bets on the most bizarre and surreal situations as well as having a flutter on sport betting, political betting and TV show betting especially song contests.

Through the years there has been some outlandish bets made that are the stuff of legend. Here we highlight some unique and sometimes unfortuitous bets.

The Man Who Bet on his own Life

You've heard of 'Cheating Death' what about 'Betting against Death'? Well, Jon Matthews from Milton Keynes did just that. Back in 2007 he was diagnosed with a rare form of lung cancer and given less than 9 months to live. Defiant Jon made a bet with the bookies of £100 at 50/1 that he would survive the time given for his condition. He did and won £5,000 into the bargain.

I'll Bet My House

Talking about having a premonition! Back in January of 1994, an unnamed man from High Wycombe sold his house for £147,000, bought a plane ticket to Las Vegas and walked in to Binions Horseshoe Casino and placed the entire amount on one spin of the roulette wheel. He put £147,000 on red. The ball settled on seven (red). He had doubled his money and then bought a bigger house.

Bet When The World Ends

This is a good one and perhaps the only strange thing about this bet is the odds. William Hill took a bet that the world would end on the 11th August 1999 at 12:50 pm. William Hill only gave odds of 1,000,000 to 1.

I mean if the punter was right it's going to be pretty darn hard to pick-up his winnings. Bizarre.

The £100,000 Bet For England To Win the World Cup

Back in 2002 when Japan and Korea were hosting the World Cup, England had a team full of stars and Beckam and co were being touted as favourites to win the competition outright. The media, as usual, were caught up in the frenzy of it all as England marched into the Quarter-Finals after beating much fancied Argentina in the group stages and then trouncing Denmark in the 2nd round.

In fact so much was the hype surrounding England that it went straight to one punters head where he placed a bet of £100,000 on England to win the competition. The West Midlands punter staked the six-figure sum at odds of 7/2 at a Ladbrokes shop in Birmingham and expected to win £450,000. Unfortunately, England lost 2 - 1 to Brazil in that Quarter-Final with the brilliance or luck of Ronaldinho being the difference.

And Finally ...

Remember, there is always a possible chance of an outlandish bet coming good. David Threlfal of Preston is testament to that. He placed a bet that Man would walk on the Moon before 1971. When Neil Armstrong planted his big space boot on the Moon's surface, Threlfal was £10,000 richer. Which was a lot of cash back in 1969.

About the Author

Free Betting Online is a great resource for people looking to place free bets from Horse Racing Betting to Political Betting.

Commuting-As Old As The Wheel by Cliff Cohu

Commuting-As Old As The Wheel

Commuting. The very word conjures up visions of frustration and long lines of vehicular madness. The idea is as old as man, even predating the invention that is responsible for our present state of insanity. The wheel. Before the appearance of these circular objects, man's mobility was limited to that of his lower appendages. In the process of time, our Homo Sapient ancestor would eventually tire from having to lug around his paltry possessions and come up with a better means of haulage. His wife would aptly become a source of contention in this matter of constant uprooting. Now that he had created something that he could roll around on terra firma, he set about finding a practical use for the wheel. Having observed that two of anything (not wives) is better than just one, his engineering prowess percolated towards the marriage of these two wheels to a single wooden axle. Add a box-like structure and Presto! A chassis. It was human powered, no less, but certainly now was taking on the form of someting supremely useful. By harnessing human bodies as a power source, there would be no limit to "man power" except for the confines of space. With a large family, you could have more than one vehicle parked on the street. The concept of "mass" (not mess) transportation was born. If necessity is the Mother of invention, then innovation is the Father. The wheel, being the result of the desire for easier locomotion, would evolve a number of "must haves." Namely, essential features that would enhance and complement the operation of this new contraption. Such as brakes, for example. Mans' trial(s) and error(s) would soon uncover the laws of gravity and inertia, spawning the realization that stopping a moving object is just as important as getting it started. Chugging up a hill with a fully loaded cart was the pits, for sure. The subsequent downhill ride initially seemed quite euphoric, to say the least. That is until the affected occupants with its cargo decided that they wanted to get off before...the tree! A third wheel was added to this conveyance. It's called the "steering" wheel. When man finally succeeded in the domestication of certain species of the animal kingdom as a new power option, it freed him toconcentrate his energies on improving this marvel of mobility. Over time, he would add comforts, enclosures and other "niceties" (rear view mirror, glove box, horn, mirror on wifes' sun visor.) Now let's fast forward to the 20th century. At its beginning, gasoline powered vehicles began to appear. Modern man and his unlikely nemesis, the dinosaur, had come full circle in the form of fossil fuel. (These beasts were no doubt the prime reason for man having to become increasingly more mobile. Anyway, who likes to get tramples on?) After more than 100 years of rapid development and engineering expertise, humans' love affair with the automobile would generate many perplexities. Pollution, city congestion, road deterioration, energy shortages, road rage; and more recently, a keen focus on global warming and skyrocketing fuel prices. And they call this progress? So we thought dinosaurs were "extinct". Well, it looks as though they have come back to haunt us in the form of Black Gold. Now who is in danger of extinction? There seems to be only one solution for humanity. Buy a bicycle. Or better yet, stay home.

About the Author

Author resides in Tidewater, VA., with wife and two college age daughters. Enjoys writing, vacationing in his native state of Colorado and is a licensed pilot.

Showing Boxers Can Impede Criminals Eluding Police by Dan Bimrose

I, like most respectable rational people just do not get it. The "it" I am referring to is the fashion trend that leads certain people to allow their jeans and/or shorts to fall half way down their rear end.

Perhaps I am just not in touch anymore. Perhaps I am just being "old". After all I used to wear cut off and mesh shirts during the summers when I was a young teen. Thank goodness I never wore spandex bike shorts.

Something tells me though that this trend is a little different. When I see a young man dressed like this I feel that more than likely he is not going to be a contributor to the good of society. The lower his drawers go, the more I am apt to want to steer clear of this individual.

Followers of this trend tend to be thought of as miscreants, hooligans or ne'er do wells by respectable society.

I do not know why I just do not get to the point. If your pants are half way down your butt you look like an idiot.

No prospective employer in his right mind would hire you if you came in for an interview dressed like that. Just thinking about the expression on his or her face makes me laugh.

So if you must must supplement your amateur skateboarding endeavors by burglarizing homes I would like to give you a piece of advice. You can not run from the cops if your pants are around your ankles.

While watching one of the national news channels yesterday I happened to witness a car chase in California. The gentleman driving the car was a suspected burglary suspect.

He was sporting this particular fashion trend. In addition to being chased by a neighborhood dog it appeared that at some point he had to stop to adjust his belt. Apparently this was unsuccessful and you witnessed him holding on to his pants while he was running to keep them from falling down.

It was quite comical and quite fitting.

Here is a question for you. Why wear a belt in the first place if you are going to let your pants fall half a foot below your waist line?

The moral of the story is if you are going to commit a criminal act you might want to dress accordingly.

About the Author

Dan Bimrose is the creator of coffeeandprozac.com a website devoted to making people think, laugh or cry. Daily Opinions, Editorials, and Stories He suggests dropping bread crumbs so that you can find your way back on a daily basis.

Perfumes Enhance the Beauty and Style by Articles Manager

Perfumes are the most sought-after fashionable items that add fragrance and beauty to everyone's life. As a result, choosing the right kind of perfume requires skill and homework. Men and women, young and old, rich and poor all want perfumes of different designs and fragrances. The use of perfumes as a symbol of elegance and style revealed dates back when Egyptians and Romans extensively used various types of perfumes in many ways. Earlier aromatic grasses, wood and spices like cinnamon, cardamoms and fenugreek were squeezed into fluid to produce perfume. Now with the introduction of newer technologies; the process of making perfumes has changed a lot as manufacturers are using man made ingredients to make them cheaper and faster.

Initially, perfumes were used by women. Now the world is getting fashionable and even men love to keep themselves trendy and appealing. Considering the development, manufacturers have created as many male versions of perfumes as female ones. Some of the famous brands of perfume ruling the market include Dolce and Gabbana, Hugo Boss, Jean Paul Gaultier, Tommy Hilfiger, and Weekend and many others. Each perfume can refresh your mind and assists you to attract the opposite sex. It is a fragrance that is very well suited for wearing during the day and to the office.

How to avail the right kind of perfume from the market? This is the most difficult question to be solved. Recently with the coming up of online boutiques, the search for the luring and scented perfume is not a hard nut to crack. In fact, online stores supply the widest collections of branded perfumes at competitive prices. All you need to do is to find a store that offers these excellent perfumes at knock down prices and you will easily become the most sought-after person in your locality in terms of elegance and style.

About the Author

Perfumes New York has a huge collection of Perfumes, Fragrances, French Perfumes and Discontinued Perfume and other many fashionable items. Perfumes are the most sought-after fashionable items that add fragrance and beauty to everyone's life.

Discontinued perfume: The Long-Lost Scent by Articles Manager

If you are thinking about investing in the rarest of things, then you should probably think about looking into buying a discontinued perfume. Obviously, its fragrance reminds of the past, which is antique and outmoded. As long as you like the fragrance of your discontinued perfume, it does not matter what others may think, and if you buy the right kind of perfume you may recognize as a man that wears long-lost scent, which is highly attractive and sensuous.

Today, the market is flooded with thousands of branded perfumes blending with gentle spray of rare expensive discontinued perfumes tailored to the contemporary society in terms of fashion and taste. Generally, discontinued perfumes are specifically created for each part of the body. These perfumes are highly seductive and can be use to attract the opposite sex. Researchers have established that the discontinued perfume can enhance the desire for the physical love, appetite, and most interestingly it can sharpen the mind as well.

The popularity of the discontinued perfume revealed dates back when Egyptians and Romans extensively used various types of perfumes in many ways: diluted in bath water, stirred with wine, eaten on a sugar lump and many more. Discontinued perfumes are mainly found in antique containers that reminiscence the existence traditional fashion in the contemporary.

It is quite obvious that the cost of the discontinued perfume is expensive, since it is considered as the reminder of times past. If you collect the discounted perfume from an online antique shop; you can get it at a much cheaper price. Such a shop is an ideal place to know various types of discontinued perfumes and how you can use them despite the fact they may not be popular among major classes of the society. So, browse an online antique shop to purchase the discontinued perfume, you will surely be identified as a long-lost scent man in your locality.

About the Author

Nowadays Perfumes are the most fashionable items because everyone wants to keep themselves attractive and fresh. Discontinued Perfume are specifically created for each part of the body.

An American Psycho Meets the Clintons by Ana Blue

Former president Bill Clinton should take pride in that he is definitely the best looking chubby chaseramericanpsychonovel.jpg out there. I easily came to this conclusion on June 3, 2008, when Hillary Clinton held her primary night celebration in the gymnasium of Bernard Baruch College.

As a recent graduate of Baruch College lacking excitement for one of the most historic races for the Democratic nomination, I decided to attend the primary.

I waited in line for hours with avid Clinton supporters chanting songs about going to Denver, "Yes she will!" many would shout. After two hours of waiting to get into a school that has accumulated a small fortune from me, I was finally in. Scuttling past reporters, wishing I had harassed one of my editors for a press pass because I could not find a seat, I settled for a spot on the floor in front of the podium with my friends. We easily became restless as we waited another hour for the event to start, I felt as if I was at a concert and wanted to shove everyone so I could get closer and then I remembered my manners unlike some of the Hillary fanatics in attendance. Many people were pushing through attempting to get a better view. Some people became creative, one man hoisted young woman onto his shoulders so she could see the podium. Now that she had a better view, we no longer had one; however, some may say we had the best view in the house because she was wearing a very short dress that hardly covered her behind in the air. This preshow ended when someone came over to tell her she needed to get down because she was blocking the press.

Hillary eventually took the stage and as mechanical as she appears, she has a presence that feels welcoming and strong. She is definitely a fighter; after all, she did salvage her marriage and keep her family together after horrid public humiliation. Being cheated on is humiliating enough without the whole world bearing witness and surviving such a graphic hardship in public, a little political campaign is not going to keep her down.

After the event was over, the Clintons made their rounds shaking hands and signing autographs. I thought it would fit the occasion best if I had them sign my copy of Brett Easton Ellis' American Psycho. The title alone is ironic enough; however, if you have read the novel about Patrick Bateman a yuppie serial killer in the 80s whose peers are so materialistic and self-absorbed that they do not realize their associate is a vicious murderer, you are aware of the irony. The highly detailed gruesome novel often has Bateman voice his crimes yet no one ever takes a moment to listen to what he is saying since it is not about money, fashion or any yuppie fad of interest and due to this, he gets away with his crimes. Sounds much like our government and when the secret service took my book away as I was trying to get it signed I became really upset knowing I would never get it back. When I did get the book back and it was autographed by Clinton I was in shock. I would have never expected that they were trying to be nice and when I saw the signature, I knew she did not even look at the book because she was being swarmed with people wanting photos and autographs.

Bill Clinton was the next to come around to shake hands and mingle with civilians. When I laid eyes on the former president in person, I felt as if I was looking at the spokesman for hot dirty old men everywhere. I still cannot believe the man I once immortalized as a chubby chaser in an article for the SexHerald was standing in front ofbill_clinton_biography_2.jpg me with piercing blue eyes and a smile that will make you want to drop your panties in a second. I absent mindedly handed him American Psycho as he shook my hand and I wondered if he needed a new intern. I realized he was flipping through the book and not wanting to end up on a list somewhere, I tried to take it back from him, he stopped me, "What are you reading?." He took the book out of my hand and looked at the cover. His facial expression changed from sexual radiance to disappointment. I became very nervous, "It's a really good book," I used my innocent little girl voice on the former president and flashed him a flirty smile, "They turned it into a movie!" I sounded like an idiot. "Oh really?" He responded humoring me and smiling and then the secret service encouraged him to move on.

My original desire to jolt some political enthusiasm within me was foiled by the realization that the former president is man-candy. However, I still feel accomplished because I am thrilled to own the only copy of American Psycho autographed by the Clintons. The next book I would like autographed by a politician promising change and a 'better America' is Hubert Selby Jr.'s Requiem for a Dream so I can build a library of irony. Days after this event, Clinton conceded as some thought she would, giving Barack Obama the nomination; something tells me he will not be signing any of my novels any time soon.

About the Author

Ana Blue - A native New Yorker and recent graduate with a BA in Journalism from Bernard Baruch College, she also writes a sexual taboo column for the SexHerald. When not writing and getting involved in absurd situations, she is running an event called Lust! featuring local bands, burlesque acts and deejays.

Ugly People by BIVO

I was just presented with that awkward moment the other day when I was at the mall and saw a friend from a previous job who was walking their newborn in a stroller. As I had not seen her in a few years we were somewhat excited to see each other but I was also dreading it too. A couple of weeks back, I had received a correspondence from my friend which was coupled with a picture of what I believe was their baby son. To say he is not an attractive child is quite the understatement but now I was faced with Quasimodo in person. I wasn’t sure if staring directly at him would turn me to stone but I didn’t know how to avoid it and pulling out a mirror would have been awkward so I ventured forth. As incipiently forecasted, he is an ugly child for sure. Yes I know that is rude, insensitive, judgmental, shallow, and absolutely not this young newborns fault but you have to call it like you see it. Of course, I commented to her that her son was an adorable child just like the rest of her litter.

The fault here lies with the parents. They have had four other kids (three boys and one girl) and they are all scary beyond all reason too. The parents are exceedingly unattractive also so it stands to reason (and has been proven out over 5 kids) that their offshoots will, in kind, be unsightly. And then when these kids grow up, they will spawn ugly kids, and the cycle will continue. Therefore, the simple and only plausible solution is for these people to quit having kids! Why are all the unattractive people of the world procreating at a faster rate then the attractive ones? Can’t we as a society establish a law prohibiting excessive ugly people from procreating? We are forced to protect ourselves from ourselves with such laws as seat belt laws, helmet laws, excessive taxes and restrictions on smokers (all of which I agree with by the way) so this seems like a plausible thing for us to mandate since the parents obviously can’t seem to realize the error of their ways! I did, two homely kids later and I knew it was time to quit, why can’t others! Come on people do your part, all kids are not beautiful. Bringing them into this world is a beautiful and amazing thing but remember that they do grow up and thus do them, and society, a favor and “Just Say No”.

If you found this article useful or enjoyable, please check out my site and other links at http://bivoblogger.blogspot.com

About the Author

http://bivoblogger.blogspot.com

Fatherhood According To Larry by Sue Ticotin

My husband has been known to have some unconventional behavior at times. Some of it is intentional and some of it is not. I especially remember some of his earlier antics.

Men who grew up with much younger siblings are more naturally at ease with taking care of babies. Larry did not have this advantage. It soon became evident the night our friends, Jim and Sally, came over for dinner with their 6 month old child. Wanting to give my husband some practice time in handling babies, Sally handed over her baby to Larry to hold for a few minutes. He was clearly nervous and uncomfortable and didn't know what to do. When I announced that dinner was ready, Larry who is always the first in line when it comes to food, eagerly turned to put the baby down on the blanket so he could eat. Although my husband was not kid savvy, he was quite familiar with cats, particularly how they can survive falls from great heights. The fact that he was holding a baby and not a cat did not occur to him. He just didn't make that connection. Thus, Larry bent down so that he was within approximately a foot or so of the blanket and tossed the baby expecting that this little creature would make a perfect landing. Everyone stood in horror as the baby left his arms and clumsily landed on the blanket. We all stood with mouths wide open and out stretched arms hoping that one of us would be able to cushion the impact. Unfortunately, no one could react in time, but we were all quite relieved that the baby was okay and survived my husband's naïveté.

Shortly after this episode I became pregnant. My husband and I attended Lamaze classes as most expectant parents did. One night at Lamaze class, Larry shared his theory about how he believed that this birthing thing was not as bad as women made it seem. He was joking of course, but since no one in the room really knew him, his comments were taken seriously. He pointed out that many women of other cultures often gave birth in the farm fields and went right back to work. He felt that American women were pampered too much. His saw no reason why we shouldn't just get over it and go back to work immediately. My husband was not well received that night, but he loved the fact that he could stir things up so much.

When our son was born, Larry helped by doing the housework and anything else that needed attention. He became more proficient at holding and bathing the baby, and would occasionally change a wet diaper, but shied away from changing the soiled ones. After a month of this, I decided that he needed to do his share of dirty diapers. I issued the ultimatum.... Do it or wear it! I called him over and instructed him on what to do. I did most of the work, but after that first time handling a diaper full of those little surprises, he broke out into a sweat and had to go lay down on the bed. It simply was too much for him to handle. After all the drama, he went on to change hundreds of dirty diapers. In my mind, Larry was now officially a father!

In retrospect, my husband should have been labeled hazardous material and our family has the scars to prove it. Larry had painted our bedroom just prior to my giving birth to our second child. He had not gotten around to putting the sliding closet doors back on their tracks and instead just propped them up against the wall. One morning, my husband was getting ready for work and had moved one of the doors to get his clothes. I was still asleep and unaware of the perilous situation. As he was about to step out of the bedroom, the thirty-pound door fell over giving me and my nose a wake up call that I will never forget. After the initial shock and viewing the gruesome site, I immediately gazed over at my 3-week-old son sleeping in his bassinet at the foot of the bed. He was happy and sound asleep. My nose was broken and in need of stitches. The closet doors were hung back on their tracks that day.

Leaving my husband in charge of the kids always tended to make me a little nervous. Larry often enjoyed spending time cast fishing from a canoe with our older son who was 3 years old at the time. He was concerned about safety and always made our son wear a life preserver. Unfortunately, I should have insisted that our son also wear a helmet because one day Larry returned to the house announcing that we needed to go to the hospital. He had cast the fishing hook into the back of our son's head!

Our younger son did not fare much better in his father's hands. When our son was about 6 months old, I put Larry in charge of the kids so that I could do some errands. I would only be gone for an hour. What could possibly happen? When I returned, I was greeted at the door with that all too familiar announcement that we needed to go to the hospital. My son had fallen out of a chair and cut his head.

Over the years I've learned to anticipate certain behaviors, as my husband is predictable in some respects. However, sometimes there is just no way of knowing what he is going to say or do next. Living with him is never easy, but it is certainly never dull. Helmets are a must.

About the Author

Beside writing humorous stories, Sue Ticotin's, Defining Elegance LLC also offers baby bedding and luxury bedding and duvets , European fine linens, custom bedding, coverlets, throws, shams, baby bedding, decorative pillows, draperies, and accessories.