Cheese-o-holics Anonymous has given up. After much study, programs and drugs, it has been decided that the condition, the disease, can't be cured. Addicts to cheese are just plain screwed.
Once a cheese-o-holic, always a cheese-o-holic. That's it, tough luck, deal with it.
So this venerable institution has been disbanded.
The researchers, being out of a job, but being very creative, have come up with a solution to their penniless condition and their insatiable addiction. And last week they unveiled their gift to an awaiting world. And the Grand Opening of The Cheesy Club was greeted with riotous applause.
The Cheesy Club is just what cheese-o-holics have been salivating for. The shame and the stigma of addiction has been lifted literally overnight, as cheese-o-holics have been elevated to the status of Connoisseurs. What a turn of events. Addicts, that simply can't control themselves, now find themselves...experts, professionals. Filling the needs of enquiring minds. Providing information that can make or break ones social status. Giving freely the information that we crave. Allowing us to continue on with the facade that we actually know something about fine dining.
They provide us with answers to the questions that keep us up at night, such as:
-Cheddar or American? Which is best for burgers?
-What is the proper cheese to have as an appetizer for a pizza party?
-Does the smelly Lindenberger cheese, cause body odor?
-Can you really call pizza, pizza, if it consists of vegetables instead of cheese?
-Does cheese made from reindeer give any ethereal abilities?
-Does Roquefort cheese prevent one from getting sick?
-Why was Miss Muffet so easily dissuaded from her fine dish of expensive cheese?
-Isn't Gjetost really just good candy?
-Don't you think, people passing off tofu as 'cheese imitations' should be put in jail?
-Does any one really know who the original Big Cheese is?
-Why don't we ever see cows eating their own cheese?
-What do cows have to laugh at anyway?
-Are they ever really happy about their product? Do they ever say, "I really could have done better?"
-Do cows, sheep and goats ever fight over whose cheese is best?
-Does blue-veined cheese cause blue-blood people?
-Who was the first person to cut the cheese? And which cheese was it?
It is amazing how these addicts turned their minus into a plus. The Cheesy Club has created elitist positions for all of their addicted clientele, those gurus of all culinary wisdom. They give their deliberations freely, and they really enjoy the gifts that are sent to them in appreciation. Cheese gifts of course.
The first council meeting has concluded and they have issued their first official declarations:
1-CHEESE IS REALLY THE STAFF OF LIFE
An advertising agency changed that to bread a while back and The Cheesy Club wants to set the record straight. Although cheese does taste good with many breads, so they are not trying to knock the bread companies.
2-CHEESE IS NOT JUST FOR DINNER!
No sir, it is a fine food for breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks, gifts and it is a sleepwalker's delight (just have it cut up before bed, we don't want to encourage sleepwalkers to mess around with knives in their sleep). So they instruct us to eat cheese, and eat it often.
Look at all of the cheese recipes that we can delight in:
Cheese and crackers
Cheese and wine
Mac and cheese
Cheese casserole
Cheese doodles
Grilled cheese
Cheesecake
Cheese danish
Cheez-its
Cheeseburgers
Cheesesteaks
Cheetos
Cheese balls
Cheese pie
Cheese Whiz
Fried cheese
Cheese fondue
Cheese puffs
Lasagna
Mozzarella and tomatoes
Cheese blintzes
Cheese souffles
Cheese crepes
French onion soup
Chicken Cordon Bleu
We really could go on forever, or almost forever.
And who wouldn't want their caring empathetic friends to bestow on them a cheese basket?
Why, cheese is so good that some people wear it on their heads. What other food do you see people doing that with? Bananas? Who'd look like a fool for a banana. Many of The Cheesy Club's members are of the rodent family. They actually risk their lives to get to their coveted Gruyère. That's right. They defy death all for the love of cheese. Would they do that for tofu? Maybe if they're retarded, because that's crazy man. Tofu? Euuhh!!
The Cheesy Club also issued their first directive (not fully a declaration but close enough) instructing us not to believe the claims from the medical associations, that say cheese can clog our arteries. We should remember all of the lies that were told to us about eggs. For years they put out propaganda demeaning the poor egg, condemning those that partook. No more than one or two a week they told us. Who can eat one egg? That's crazy too. We all know now that eggs never killed anybody. Those same people want to scare us away from our reason for living and The Cheesy Club thinks we shouldn't listen to them. No, they think we should follow the lead of our little mousy friends. Death does not scare them. High medical bills do not scare them. New insurance regulations don't scare them. The government doesn't scare them. The cat does not scare them! Because life without cheese is not worth living.
CHEESE! It's to die for!
About the Author
Funny t-shirts and funny stories for the slightly skewed at The Smokin' Frog. Get the funny Cheesy Club T-Shirts and Buttons at The Smokin' Frog.
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